RUMORMILLER

It is currently Sat May 19, 2012 6:56 pm

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Try2 Rumor Miller is now online
maybe now it'll actually work

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Last post by shenobeg
Fri May 18, 2012 6:10 pm
Try2 Rumor Miller is now online
maybe now it'll actually work!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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4 Posts

Last post by winwin9699
Sat May 12, 2012 7:59 pm
Final! Rumor miller is now online
that was a long show

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8 Posts

Last post by kodjwagrc
Sat May 19, 2012 5:18 am
First poll test
Testing out the poll. And the polll
values. Please see http://cnn.com for now!

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Last post by rumormiller
Thu Apr 15, 2010 8:50 pm

Your first category

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Your first forum
Description of your first forum.

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Last post by rumormiller
Tue Apr 06, 2010 6:59 pm

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Dairy Queen to give out free blizards in Chicago in May
On May 9th Dairy Queen will be giving out thier new "mini blizzards" somewhere in Chicago!! There is no catch you walk up to a truck and they give you a blizzard. This is part of a settlement for salmolena lawsuit in IL.

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23 Posts

Last post by asdfgt23l
Sat May 19, 2012 12:41 pm
3thd poll try
another attempt by me on making the poll
work- not show up just literally show up

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Last post by rumormiller
Thu Apr 15, 2010 8:59 pm
4th poll try
trying the 4th poll nowasdadadadadd

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Last post by rumormiller
Thu Apr 15, 2010 9:02 pm
5th Poll ID
some tandom
sadasjkldaskldjljkajsldjalsjdajsdasdad

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Last post by rumormiller
Thu Apr 15, 2010 9:25 pm
6th Rumor !!!!!!!!!!!!!
HOLY CRAP THIS BETTTER WORK I"M TIRED OF
WORKING ON THIS ISSSUEEE

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4 Posts

Last post by Lindsay
Tue Apr 20, 2010 11:33 pm
John McCain courted as new Goldman Sach's CEO
After today's disastourous stock drop those evil doers at Goldman Sach's are up to it again. Evidently they are courting Former Republican Presidential Candidate John McCain (R- AZ) to be thier new CEO. John McCain is no
stranger to banks- being one of the biggest backers of the failed banks during the US' last brush with bank
bailouts during the S&L Scandals. It seems Goldman is looking for a way to revamp their image and they believe have an inside man is the way to go.

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Last post by artrerts130
Wed May 16, 2012 9:11 am
Rush's Lesbian Daughter
Rush Limbaugh has an adult lesbian
daughter who he does not publicly
acknowledge named Sarah.

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2 Posts

Last post by zinongg19
Thu May 10, 2012 3:07 am
Rush's Lesbian Daughter
Rush Limbaugh has an adult lesbian
daughter who he does not publicly
acknowledge named Sarah.

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3 Posts

Last post by bb520faway
Sun May 13, 2012 7:25 pm
Rush's Lesbian Daughter
Rush Limbaugh has an adult lesbian
daughter who he does not publicly
acknowledge named Sarah.

1 Topics

1 Posts

Last post by CoolGuy
Tue Apr 20, 2010 10:38 pm
Rush's Lesbian Daughter
Rush Limbaugh has an adult lesbian
daughter who he does not publicly
acknowledge named Sarah.

1 Topics

1 Posts

Last post by CoolGuy
Tue Apr 20, 2010 10:48 pm
Rush's Lesbian Daughter
Rush Limbaugh has an adult lesbian
daughter who he does not publicly
acknowledge named Sarah.

1 Topics

1 Posts

Last post by CoolGuy
Tue Apr 20, 2010 10:48 pm
Rush's Lesbian Daughter
Rush Limbaugh has an adult lesbian
daughter who he does not publicly
acknowledge named Sarah.

1 Topics

1 Posts

Last post by CoolGuy
Tue Apr 20, 2010 10:48 pm
Rush's Lesbian Daughter
Rush Limbaugh has an adult lesbian
daughter who he does not publicly
acknowledge named Sarah.

1 Topics

1 Posts

Last post by CoolGuy
Tue Apr 20, 2010 10:52 pm
Rush's Lesbian Daughter
Rush Limbaugh has an adult lesbian
daughter who he does not publicly
acknowledge named Sarah.

1 Topics

3 Posts

Last post by 5ibroadway
Sat May 12, 2012 3:27 am
Gwenyth Paltrow Punched in "Iron Man 2"
Gwenyth Paltrow, who plays Pepper in
"Iron Man 2," gets punched in the face
in the new film.

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Last post by fmfcyeunem
Sat Apr 14, 2012 7:11 am
Princess Theater to be converted to Big Bob Gibsons' Driver Thru
The Princess theater just got sold!
Evidently Big Bog Gibson's BBQ bought it
and will be converting it into a new
drive thru. They picked the princess
to launch their new national franchise.
All I can say is bring it On!!!

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Last post by Lindsay
Tue Apr 20, 2010 11:53 pm
Megyn Kelly to Pose for Playboy
Fox News anchor Megyn Kelly is in talks
to pose for Playboy, a magazine she
publicly denounced just last year. When
asked about her change of mind she
stated that she did not believe her
spread would be pornography but rather
an empowering move and one that would
allow her to set a good example for
women to see that good wives and working
mothers know how to stay in shape.

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Last post by xiaohai8xs1
Sat May 19, 2012 11:41 am
Kristen Stewart Uses Botox
An inside source says that 20-year-old
Twilight actress Kristen Stewart has
been using Botox for the last year and a
half. The source claims that the drug's
facial paralyzing effects are the cause
of the actress's famous 'stoned' look,
not bad acting.

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Last post by Lindsay
Wed Apr 21, 2010 12:16 am
Madonna To Watch Her-Themed "Glee" Episode
Madonna will be watching tonight's
Madonna-themed episode of "Glee" with
the show's creator, Ryan Murphy, after
which she will decide whether or not to
guest star on the show.

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Last post by vpjwlxzdv
Mon Apr 30, 2012 4:16 pm
Obamas to Adopt White Child
Michelle Obama plans to adopt a white child, though she admits it will probably have to wait until she is no longer first lady. She says that, with celebrities like Angelina Jolie and Madonna adopting brown children from around the world, it only seemed right that she should adopt a poor white child from America with the aim of giving it a better life. She is rumored to already be talking to adoption agencies in Michigan and Alabama.

The Obama's have insisted the child will have to unlearn whatever it has been taught and that there will be a transition period as the child learns to speak "proper English" instead of whatever hillbilly language it currenttly speaks. As per thier tradition the Obamas want the child to know where it came from and how lucky it was to have escaped certain life long sentence in a trailer park. They also indicated they will have to rename the child to remove all the uneeded "ys" from it's badly misspelled name. "How someone could think thier child could be named Dylyan and still make it in today's world is beyond me" said a somewhat saddend Michelle, "I'm just glad we got our little white angle out of that hell hole: The Manhattan Tailer Park.

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Last post by artrerts655
Wed May 16, 2012 6:14 pm
CNN Anchors Are Same Man
Ted Turner, inventor of the time
machine, hired 4 different versions of
52nd U.S. President Jefferson
MountainDew Federline-Spears from
various Earth-like planets in the
multiverse to work as CNN news anchors.
Aliases include Tony Harris and Don
Lemon, among others.

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Last post by CoolGuy
Wed Apr 21, 2010 1:25 am
Ann Coulter Actually a Horse
Ann Coulter is descended from prize show
horses. My grandpa told me so, and he
lives in Oklahoma, so he knows show
horses.

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Last post by Lindsay
Wed Apr 21, 2010 1:53 am
Supreme Court Justice Fired for Sexting
A supreme court justice was asked to
resign for 'sexting'. At least I think
that's what CNN just said. I bet it was
Thomas.

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4 Posts

Last post by Lindsay
Thu Apr 22, 2010 3:22 am
Orange Drink is the New Purple Drink
After a long drawn out battle, Orange
Drink has officially displaced Purple
Drink as the beverage with the most
street credit. "Twenty years ago, no
one would have imagined something like
this to be possible," says eighteen year
old Jerome Willis. He later admitted to
this journalist that he believes Orange
Drink is "legit."

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Last post by dfeuim7qy
Sat May 19, 2012 6:34 pm
Amit Is a Big Stupid Baby
Sources say Amit is a big stupid baby.

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2 Posts

Last post by rumormiller
Thu Apr 22, 2010 3:35 pm
McDonalds BigMac patties to be chicken starting May 1st
As part of a global cost savings
initiative McDonalds is getting rid of
beef for all sandwiches by 2012. To
ease in the transition they'll be
introducing the BicMac Supreme in May.
The BigMac Supreme is a BigMac with the
beef paties replaced by Chicken patties.
This means instead of big macs we will
be eating chicken nuggets!

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Last post by fmfcyeunem
Sat Apr 14, 2012 7:06 am
Wind turbine proposed on Moon
The United States intends to boost energy
efficiency for nearly 4,000 homes and
small businesses by building a wind
turbine on the Moon.

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Last post by Ironbelly
Thu Apr 22, 2010 12:14 am
Boston Transit System to Implement "Pay What You Want" Fares
Despite several increase is fare prices
over the past ten years, the MBTA is
still millions of dollars in debt. This
past week it was announced that a new
fare system will be put in place, one
that allows riders to decide for
themselves how much to pay. It is hoped
that if one person pays 100 million
dollars for a T ride, the MBTA debt
problem will be solved.

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Last post by Lindsay
Thu Apr 22, 2010 5:30 am
Google Purchases ITA Software
Google plans to purchase ITA Software
for 4.3 Billion dollars, as opposed to
the 1 Billion reported by Reuters yesterday.

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Last post by Lindsay
Thu Apr 22, 2010 3:33 pm
Bobby Jindal to do guest appearance on this week's House
Bobby Jindal (R, LA) will be on House
reprising his role as Kumar's estranged
father! In a shocking plot twist House
writers will be reintroducing Kal Penn
through flash backs of his early med
school years as well as his childhood.
In a boon to casting directors
everywhere- the Governor of Louisiana
Bobby Jindal will be playing Penn's
father.
The epsilon will showcase the life
changing events that happened during
medical school through Penn's memories
of his father. Jindal, who is of
Indian decent is said to be "excited"
about the prospects of becoming a
reoccurring character on the acclaimed
series. After giving a much maligned
Republican Response after President
Barack Obama's first State of the Union
Address many politicos have commented
that Jindal's star has been fading fast.
How long will his character last? The
producers and writers are said to be
closely watching the ratings from this
week's episode before deciding to continue.

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Last post by rumormiller
Thu Apr 22, 2010 4:28 pm
Rumor Miller now has support for formatting and pics in headlines
I'm posting to let you know that RumorMiller now supports formatting and though images don't show up in the story summaries!

.

Also enabled are
- Lists
- Ordered Lists
- URLS
- Font Sizes
1 Topics

0 Posts

No posts
Rumor Miller now has support for formatting and pics in headlines
I'm posting to let you know that RumorMiller now supports formatting and though images don't show up in the story summaries!

.

Also enabled are
- Lists
- Ordered Lists
- URLS
- Font Sizes
1 Topics

0 Posts

No posts
Rumor Miller now has support for formatting and pics in headlines
I'm posting to let you know that RumorMiller now supports formatting and though images don't show up in the story summaries!

.

Also enabled are
- Lists
- Ordered Lists
- URLS
- Font Sizes
3 Topics

2 Posts

Last post by fmfcyeunem
Sat Apr 14, 2012 7:04 am
Shahrukh Khan plays Indian James Bond in new movie!!!
(Mumbai, India) Bollywood superstar Shahrukh Khan will be playing an Indian version of James Bond for a Bollywood adaptation of "Casino Royale" titled "Ra One." In the movie, Mr Khan, who grossed over $22,000 (USD) last year, will play the hero "Jagdish Bonduru," India's Secret Services Agent Zed Zed Seven. Khan's long time acting partner Kareena Kapoor is said to be playing Bonduru's love interest, a Pakistani SS Agent. Alongside the duo Preity Zinta will be playing secretary Money Rupee.

In keeping with tradition, Bonduru will have an official car, and in keeping with Khan's promotional contracts, instead of the iconic Astin Martin Bonduru will be driving his government provided Hyundai Sonata Transform (India's #3 selling car).

Breaking from his usual formula, Mr Khan personally oversaw the writing and directing of all musical and dance numbers. In homage to "Casino Royale," Khan has orchestrated a parkour scene inside of an Indian temple that climaxes on top of a moving elephant. Included in the official soundtracks listing are:

Opening Title Sequence: "Apa Janate Haim Mera Naam"
Snazzy Samba Number- "Shaken not Stirred"
Gangster Rap Number- "No Mr Bonduru, I expect you to die"

The grand item number "License to Thrill!" will feature Khan and all of the actresses from his last sixteen films.

In this official movie photo Jagdish Bonduru runs through the halls of the World Famous Taj Hotel to catch an unknown villian.

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Last post by nvjgn3623
Sat May 19, 2012 11:19 am
Jack Black to Have Uncredited Role in "Wall Street 2"
(New York, NY) Obese actor Jack Black performs an uncredited role in Wall Street 2. Source say he auditioned for the role of Gordon Gecko's soon to be son in law. Although the role was ultimately given to Shia LaBeouf- director/producer Olive Stone loved the contrast between the smart, witty, fit LaBeouf and the fat, stupid, an odoriferous Black. Black was awarded an uncredited role as LaBeouf's fatter, stupider older brother.

His character is reported to be in two scenes both showcasing the differences between the actors as well as their characters. Black's character is rumored to have just been promoted Director of temp agency run by Good Will after the current director was fired for gross incompetence and just in general being a big bitch Mr. LaBeouf's character is impressed by his brother's advancement and comes to the agency to congratulate him but is ultimately stopped by his father in law gordon with an urgent business proposition. In another scene LaBeouf is confronted by Black's character in a Duane Reade (pictured below).

When asked to comment on the role Mr Black, who at the time was breathing through his mouth and had his brow furrowed in a vain attempt to understand the situation- said "I'd rather be the king of kids, than the prince of fools. " Mr LaBeouf quickly added- "You know it's nice to know there are still guys like Ollie Stone who will give fat assholes work. I mean look at this guy. In any other industry he would be drinking Mountain Dew , cracked out on meth, and probably quoting Larry The Cable Guy."

The Good Temp's employment agency when reached for comment said that it was happy to have filming done in their mid town head quarters. "We are always glad to help the disadvantaged find work- and in a case like Mr Black- he's got two years tops before he's shoved to the side in an effort to go full retard with characters played by Jack Black's fatter stupider brother-Seth Rogan".

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Last post by gaoxion6543
Thu May 17, 2012 6:40 pm
Anderson Cooper looks weaker in person
(New York) Anderson Cooper- the silver haired fox of late night news was seen on the W train early Thursday morning and was reported as looking "weak.." Not the kind of weak that you would want to fight him but definitely the kind of weak that if you saw him on the street you wouldn't think "oh my". This is a big change from when he was reporting in skin tight shirts form Haiti. (See below)

Cooper- who was clad in his trade mark jeans and short sleeved polo was reported to be taken aback by this reporter's assertion. Cooper did offer to sell this reporter tickets to some kind of "gun show." Where he got the tickets is uncertain esp since handguns are illegal in New York City.

Rumor has it that CNN ha stopped making him work out 6 days a week and that in response he has returned to looking like a normal mortal. When pressed for comment Zeus denied he was Cooper's father but did reveal this gem: "I don't know I've slept with a lot of women and that guy does look unnaturally good."

Cooper heroically saving a boy- look at those biceps!

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Last post by Lindsay
Tue Apr 27, 2010 3:06 pm
Vincent Gallo to Have Guest Spot on "Two and a Half Men"
Filmmaker Vincent Gallo will soon be breaking into the world of television...in a guest spot on the hit CBS sitcom "Two and a Half Men." While the role is under wraps, it is believed Mr. Gallo will appear on the season finale on May 24th. Producers say Gallo approached them about the possibility of appearing on the show, claiming that he is a big fan.

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Last post by jinijin9927
Sat May 19, 2012 12:02 pm
Real Reason "Ghost Hunters" Has Never Shown Ghost On Air
Fans of the SyFy channel show "Ghost Hunters" now have an answer as to why the show's paranormal investigators have never caught a ghost on camera despite several seasons on the air. According to one Civil War era apparition, the ghosts have been avoiding lead investigator Jason Hawes, who they allege talks incessantly about his far right-wing views and is "just too uneducated" to listen to. "He seems fine at first," says the former rebel soldier, "but no matter what you're talking about it always gets back to politics, and he just keeps quoting FoxNews. It's all just too uneducated and racist for my taste." The Southern soldier-ghost, who says he finished school at age 14 and joined the war effort the same year, cited Hawes' Twitter account and urged disbelieving fans to take a look. "I've heard that they censor a lot of it out for TV. And no, I don't have internet access. I mean, I'm a ghost, I haunt a battlefield, and I died in 1864 -- I've got a few reasons to be computer-illiterate -- but that guy just kept laughing at his own jokes and saying how he'd have to remember to 'tweet' them when they got back to the van. They weren't even funny."

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6 Posts

Last post by smelled1931
Thu May 17, 2012 1:02 pm
Breaking! Saturday Night Live to feature Talk Show Skit!!!!
(New York, NY) NBC's weekly menstruation Saturday Night Live will break from it's traditional formula to feature a Talk Show parody! This week's guest host will play themselves and be interviewed by an SNL regular playing either a real Talk Show host or a celebrity who is inexplicably serving as talk show host.

The skit is said to feature one or two "pretty weak" jokes along with long, badly constructed exposition before an ending that seems to suddenly just happen. A writer reported " it's great- you know how most skits are supposed to end on a high note or a joke? Well this is completely different- instead in the skit they'll go to commercial- and then in real life our show will go to commercial- brilliant!" He then showed off his Ivy League degree and lamented that he works very hard and is not paid enough.

Head writer Seth Meyers (pictured below) hails the new format as revolutionary- "If this gets any laughs we are going to abuse the format and use it for the majority of segments". Meyers then outlined how the entire episode will use a fresh format:
- Opening segment- a political skit that features mostly a recreation of a speech with maybe a joke worked in
- Monologue- the guest host will promote their movie/book/dumbass self in a "monologue" consisting of multiple people telling jokes and asking questions -- there may be a song
- Commercial Parody- highlighting one of the best known SNL skits- a hilarious replay of a commercial parody shot that first ran between one and three years ago. Meyers insisted that this not change saying- "man those guys knew what they were doing back then."
- Talk show sketch
- Musical guest
- Weekend Update- a news parody segment in which Meyers will either "borrow" material from Colbert and The Daily Show or simply not be funny. The news segment is said to feature one or two guest reporters who will "use up time."
Meyers went on to talk about this couldn't be done with SNL's wonderfully talented cast (pictured below in random order)- from the black guy, to the fat guy, to the hot chick, and the other chick who is Italian or Spanish- or maybe Greek or some kind of Turk- definitely foreign?

SNL Producer Lorne Michaels defended the long-running variety show by saying- "Hey what else are you going to watch?"
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Last post by Lindsay
Thu Apr 29, 2010 5:12 pm
Immigration Rally on AZ State Capital on Cinco de Mayo High Noon
There will be a rally on the AZ State Capital next Wednesday from Noon until 7PM to protest the new AZ state law requiring all LEGAL IMMIGRANTS to carry proof of their legal status on them at all times, and requiring police officers to check all suspected illegal immigrants.

Simultaneously AZ police officers will be protesting provisions in the bill that allow police departments to be sued for not enforcing the law strictly.

Expected at the rally are both speakers from both sides of the spectrum who are outraged over the outright trampling on the liberties of legal immigrants and US citizens. Tom Tancredo and Marry Matlin is rumored to be appearing along with liberal commentator Roland Martin and New Mexico governor Bill Richardson.

Several high profile celebrities are said to be making an appearance to show their support behind protesters including Mexican-Americans Salem Hayeck, George Lopez, Puerto-Rican's Jennifer Lopez and Ricky Martin, Honduran-American Ned (Carlos) Mencia, and blogger Perez Hilton (who will be blogging from a Starbucks close to the capital).

Show your support by attending the rally. If you cannot attend the rally please wear green, white, or red in support this Cinco de Mayo and let others wearing the same know you support repeal of the law that is in clear violation of the principles of the US.

Governor Bill Richardson called the law "terrible" on CNN over the weekend, saying he also believes it could lead to racial profiling.

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Last post by CoolGuy
Fri Apr 30, 2010 4:31 pm
Steve Carrel Leaving the Office in 2011 to Host the Daily Show!
Earlier reports of Steve Carrel's decision to leave The Office in 2011 are missing the bigger picture. Carrel is NOT focusing on his movie work (in which it is widely acknowledged his star is falling). But he is instead poised to take over as host of The Daily Show.

Word has it that Carrel, who was once an anchor on the program, will begin filling in for Jon Stewart in 2011. To parody the way in which Brian Williams replaced then anchor Tom Brokaw. In 2012 Carrel will take over completely to be the lead anchor in time for the planned InDescrion 2012 coverage.

Carrel is reportedly trying to return to the challenges, and writing that made him famous with Second City. He is rumored to be tired of The Office and feels that it's plot is going nowhere. It is rumored that his character, Micheal Scott will not be killed off as earlier indicated, but instead will be accepting a job with HP as the manager of all retail sales.

No other characters are said to be retiring at this time, but it's widely speculated that Carrel leaving will end the show unless a suitable replacement is found.

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Last post by smelled1931
Thu May 17, 2012 8:09 am
NBC: Get ready for Celebrity Biggest Loser
NBC is attempting to cast for a celebrity version of its hit reality show "Biggest Loser." Unlike other successful celebrity adaptations of reality shows, the casting process is not going smoothly. Inside sources say that the network is desperate to find celebrities who are overweight and willing to workout, sweat, and struggle at the gym.

Early indications are that the popularity of such a show would be equivalent to a ten percent viewership gain based on the celebrity aspect alone. To bolster the show NBC is said to be attempting to get at least one ex-couple to join the cast to introduce an element of marriage stress and to tie in with a special episode of NBC's The Marriage Ref. Early candidates for the series are said to include Jessica Simpson (pictured below), Britney Spears, Mariah Carey, Khloe Kardashian, Kevin Federline, and Kevin James (pictured below).

NBC plans to premiere the show at the end of the summer and continue until a finale on Thanksgiving Day. The show will be replacing the much maligned- "Chuck."

Jessica Simpson said to be in talks to appear on Celebrity Biggest Loser, has been recently having a very public battle with weight.
Kevin James said to be in talks to appear on Celebrity Biggest Loser, struggled with weight on and of during his hit TV show "King of Queens"

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Last post by zinongg19
Thu May 10, 2012 8:50 am
Lady Gaga Video Featuring Ke$ha
Lady Gaga and Ke$ha are teaming up for a new single and music video. It has not yet been said when the video will be released but the theme has been described by a producer as "robot burlesque." The singers, both of whom are well known for their elaborate costumes, are said to be wearing "lots of silver lam?? and lots of face paint." "Lady Gaga and Ke$ha have their own styles and major fan bases who love them, so we didn't want to stray too far from that," he said. "We feel the new video embraces that style and puts a new spin on it -- with a stripper pole. It's gonna be hot."

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3 Posts

Last post by artrerts660
Thu May 17, 2012 7:50 pm
Obama Administration working on European style maternity leave

The Obama administration is rumored to have begun high-level cabinet negotiations to produce draft legislation to implement a European-style mandatory maternity leave program in the US. Few details have emerged while the plan is still being internally negotiated by cabinet officials. Key components sent in a preliminary draft include :

1.> Mandatory participation for all women working at least 35 hours for the same employer.
The use of the word "individuals" instead of employees is crucial and may signal the latest attempt by the Obama IRS to redefine the role of independent contractors.

2.> Guaranteed 6 months of post delivery time at 80% of salary. This represents a large step up from the current standard of 6 weeks in the US, but does not move the US to the same field as the United Kingdom or Germany(which mandate between 11 and 14 months respectively).

3.> Guaranteed 2 months paid leave for all men working at least 35 hours for one employer. This level of paternity leave puts the US far ahead of other Western allies. This may just be added on to provide something that can be trimmed under negotiation.

4.> Tax rebates for all wages paid for maternity/paternity leave at 125%. This provision would allow employers to get $1.25 for every $1.00 paid to individuals for leave.

Obama administration is targeting for debate to begin in September with a final passage in March 2011. This would put the legislation on roughly the same path to passage as this year's contentious health care legislation.

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Last post by WashingtonInsider
Wed May 12, 2010 3:56 pm
America's Got Talent Is Rigged
NBC's America's Got Talent is rigged. The show claims to be a talent competition and that America gets to vote on the winner. In actuality the rules of the show state that rules and regulations can change without notice at the producers discretion.

This means that voting on the show is useless. If the producers don't want to do a high school musical show- they can simply block all teenagers from progressing.

Haven't you wondered why most of the contestants seem to be singers? It's because producers want a singing competition- nto a magic show, a dance show, or a kids show.

2 Topics

2 Posts

Last post by walkerzg56
Fri May 11, 2012 6:52 pm
BP Unlikley to Stop Oil Flow Until Fall
BP claims it's siphoning off 1000 barrels a day (of the 80,000 barrels released a day). The amounts to less than 2% of the oil leaking into the Gulf of Mexico. The early failed trial fo the dome capture containment device showed that it is not possible to capture 85% without the formation of hydrates. [source] What is unclear is the percentage that can be captured.

BP will not admit that it's top priority is drilling a relief well. The advantage of the relief well is that oil could be immediately recovered and begin to generate profit for the company that is sure to face countless lawsuits.

The relief well (which incidentally is was also allowed priority permits) is estimated to have worst case blowout leak rate of 240,000 barrels a day. [source]. The relief will could take longer than 3 months to complete. This puts the amount of oil leaking into the gulf (assuming BP is able to capture 84% of leaking oil) at 187,488,000 gallons total dwarfing Exxon Valdez (7,750,000 gallons). BP's best case scenario is that the relief well stops the Gulf Oil Leak in the fall at only 2,419% of the Exxon Valdez.

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Last post by angel185
Sat May 19, 2012 7:17 am
Facebook CEO logged into your email
Did you submit your email's password to facebook when you first created your account? Chances are the CEO of Facebook logged into your email.

In his college days (according to Escapist Magazine [Source]) Zuckerburg had the following IM conversation with another student.
Zuckerberg: Yeah so if you ever need info about anyone at Harvard

Zuckerberg: Just ask.

Zuckerberg: I have over 4,000 emails, pictures, addresses, SNS

[Redacted Friend's Name]: What? How'd you manage that one?

Zuckerberg: People just submitted it.

Zuckerberg: I don't know why.

Zuckerberg: They "trust me"

Zuckerberg: Dumb f*cks.

What's to stop him from logging into your email? Nothing! Congrats hope having a fake farm and getting a million requests to join your friend's fake MOB was worth it!

Zuckerberg, CEO and former social hacker.

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Last post by CoolGuy
Mon May 17, 2010 5:19 pm
Independent News Site You Visit Confirms Your Opinion
The independent news site you visit confirmed today, your long held suspicion that the politican you find most useless and lazy is in fact useless, lazy, and wasting money. In addition- it turns out he's working against causes you support while working for causes you bitterly oppose.

This news came to your attention after your daily visit to the independent news site. On the news site it was really easy to find the article confirming your suspicions because the headline included the politician's name and words like "abuse" "scandal" "Katrina" etc.

Reading the article made your thoughtful introspective opinion more steadfast. There was no way this guy was going to be allowed to run the locality he/she/it was running. Why can't all politicians be like the other guy- thoughtful, handsome, and most importantly a person sharing the same religious viewpoints as you.

Thank Religious Authority there is still one independent credible news source out there. The rest of the media are obviously in the tank for the politician you don't support. You know this because it seems like anytime you visit one of those sites/watch the news they are always running something negative about your guy- or failing to mention something negative about the other guy. Also your news site is the only one to have a reasonable amount of fluff/human interest pieces. The compietitors just play that trash all the time - probably to pull the wools over the eyes of the rest of the sheeple.

You were so inspired by the article that you decided to comment on it wiht a "this", "spoken like the word of Religious Authority Figure", "why isn't everyone else reporting on this". Upon reviewing responses to your comment you were glad to see that the site's wide readership also agreed with you- except for the obvious trolls who kept posting negative remarks in order to get a rise out of you.

Anyway- now you have to get back to work- those teeth aren't going to fix themselves you know!

Side by side of the two candidates. Just look at them how can anyone not support your guy?

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Last post by THIS
Thu Jun 24, 2010 1:29 pm
Jennifer Anniston Addicted to Baby Tylenol
TV and Film Star Jennifer Aniston is addicted to baby tylenol. According to inside source the actress is likley to checkin to a Hollywood rehab center. Aniston is rumored to be taking the correct dosage for a an adult of her weight.

Other papers have been reporting on Aniston's addiction to baby food (example)- but, the papers rushed to publish and didn't check their facts. Why would she be addicted to baby food? It doesn't make any sense? Aniston's latest film is a charming romantic comedy about a later thirties ex divorce trying to just live her life when love, and comedy happen.

It seems working on the film was stressful enough to push Aniston off the wagon and into the arms of BT. Sources say Aniston confided that with all the stress of being a multimillionaire, young, attractive, and having to work almost 4 weeks a year- she just couldn't take it.

Aniston claims she can quit at anytime.

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Last post by Lindsay
Tue May 18, 2010 3:28 pm
NYC Tourist Sees Something, Says Something, Annoys Everyone
Police evacuated two blocks of downtown Manhattan today after Columbia, Mississippi insurance adjuster Jason Putnam reported "suspicious activity" in a bar. Putnam reported seeing "Arab Men" giving a "Mexican" bar tender an unusally large amount of money for beer. "Soon as I saw them hand over 10 bucks each for a Bud- I knew something's up" Putnam told reporters.

A crowd of people angry about the shutdown streets admonished Putnam with cries of "let me guess- he saw a cooler? Or was it a tranny?" After a portion of the W train was evacuated- Office Manager Pete Hofstra lamented "I just want to get home before 9 on a Friday- but because of some jackass I can't. This is the worst thing to ever happen in New York."

Putnam, after seeing Wall St and the Staten Island Ferry from NYC Grey Line double decker bus, was waiting in line behind other tourists buying "I Love NYC" shirts for $14 when he spotted the four men leaving a tall building at 7:00PM on a Friday. The men caught his eye because they were carrying backpacks and messenger bags, wearing dress clothes.

The men then sat at O'Shannon's pub drinking and speaking in a non-English language. "They always paid in cash- and then never took any change- like they was giving the bartender extra money or something" The men's lack of interest in a televised college sports event pushed Putnam to report the incident: "Even though the big Alabama Auburn game was on- they never once looked at the TV."

All four men were briefly questioned before being released. None of the men were Arabs - one was an Indian national, one was from Pakistan, and the other two were US citizens from New Jersey. It appears that the men were speaking Hindi and Urdu. The men had left work so early because of the nice weather.

The mayor's office released a statement thanking Mr. Putnam for reporting the incident but reminded all tourists that they are jack asses and should probably shut up, keep moving down the sidewalk, and stop trying to take pictures, and for God sakes dress like you are grown up. Also stop feeding the pigeons- they aren't pets.

Mr Putnam said the experience has changed him- and that he now feels closer to New York than he did on "September the 11th 2002- never forget."

Putnam- after being distracted by a cab- a FREAKING CAB!

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Last post by fakequasar
Thu Jul 15, 2010 2:55 am
Smart Girl Actually Just Hot
In a disappointing turn of events local smart girl Elizabeth Jones turns out to just be hot. Elisabeth hailed through college and high school as "one of the smartest girls" refused to believe the charges. "If I wasn't smart then how did I land my job as head of sales at the pharmaceutical company?" Ms. Jones went to show her dazzling array of awards ranging from Best Actor in School Play to Most Likely to Succeed.

The charges come as a surprise to long time apartment mate Darren Merriweather. Darren exclaims- "I knew the first time I saw her that Lizzy was smart and funny." Darren who claims he is not interested in Jones does not rule out the possibility of a romantic relationship developing between the two.

Dr Avery Epstein a clinical psychologist noted that "It's quite common for us, as individuals, to project the qualities we desire most on attractive people." After seeing her picture Dr Avery insisted on an in person interview after which he concluded that Jones was the rare exception, knew a lot about psychology, and had arranged a deal for her to be the exclusive pharmaceutical sales rep for his hospital.

After the story first broke- Ms Jones announced just to prove her intelligence to doubters she was going to a science reporter for CNN. CNN confirmed that Ms. Jones was offered the position upon walking into CNN corporate head quarters in Atlanta, GA and asking.

Ms Jones' takes a sales calls while performing yoga. "My clients get a kick out of how good at Yoga I am."

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Last post by walkerzg56
Fri May 18, 2012 3:58 pm
Decatur, AL Mayor Less Interesting Than Local Dog
Decatur, AL Mayor Don Stanford is reportedly less interesting than Freckles, a Huntsville, AL based dog. The mayor had something to say- but as per his usual course it was far, far too boring to print. Freckles, however, was a very good boy! He chased the reporters at his press conference before rolling onto his back. Following lots of scratching he snored loudly to the aumusement of everyone.

His Honorable Mayor Don Stanford- who has decided to "limit" his internet presence- released a written press release indicating that blah blah blah.....More about Freckles? So- it turns out he has his own channel on youtube (here's a link) . On it there is video of him doing all kinds of fun stuff!

Although both are from very diverse backgrounds- Stanford has no Wikipedia article and I'm not going to bother researching him. Freckles meanwhile has an article detailing his lineage from British royalty. In addition to the this- his Wikipedia entry includes information about the time when his ancestors were almost wiped out- only three remained in the world!

Further shoring up his reputation with the area's heavily Republican population Freckles' breed was also the choice of President Ronald Regan!

Freckles, Cavalier King Charles Spaniel, descendant from British Royalty, the preferred dog of Great American Ronald Reagan, (and a very good boy!) Seen here doing SOMETHING!

Don Stanford Mayor, Decatur, AL

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Last post by walkerzg56
Fri May 18, 2012 4:02 pm
Obama Trying to Ban All Fishing
Rumors circulating on the internet about President Obama attempting to ban all fishing appear to be accurate.

Scientists insisted Obama did not have to ban fishing for 19% of the Gulf- but he decided he was going to because he is arrogant.

Obama for his part refuses to answer questions about banning fishing- but he and his elite crowd have said "fishing looks boring. People shoudln't be allowed to do things that I find boring."

In HR 32765B Obama's Fishing Bill line 45 states:
"All equipment and tools needed for participating in recreational fishing are here by banned as assault weapons. Federal law enforcement personnel are hereby required to seize on site any such items and destroy them. Further it is now required that any person found fishing will be subject to 2 years hard labor in New York City reeducation camps".

If Obama inst' trying to ban fishing- how come he never goes fishing? Notice how many dress up parties hes had? Or how many Broadway shows he's seen? It's because he is going to be REQUIRING all us citizens to buy tickets to New York to see Broadway shows.

If you are a true Patriot write your congressman and tell them not to let Obama ban fishing.

Two American's Relaxing

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3 Posts

Last post by xinhuifjzh
Wed May 16, 2012 7:38 am
SPA in The Hamptons Offers Waterboarding
In this time of job loss, environmental disaster, and prolonged war- the celebrities, philanthropists, and socialites are among many of the confirmed clients paying more than most Americans make in a month to have themselves tortured.

A spa in the Hamptons is offering waterboarding as a novel new therapy designed to cleanse the sinuses. Calling the treatment "Sinus Detox" the average treatment costs $4,000 and lasts approximately 3-4 minutes.

The spa, located in the notoriously private Hamptons, does not take reservations, has no website, and has a strict confidentiality agreement with clients.

The treatment is not the same as the methods used by US interrogators at Guantanamo or by Japanese interrogators during WWII. In the spa version the client is resting on a soft mattress in a room bathed in sunlight surrounded by lush plant life. Vivaldi plays in the background and the sound of song birds fills the air. The client's face is covered with a menthol-infused washcloth. Then treatment begins- a gentle cascade of warm water spills onto the client's mouth. The spa claims the sudden involuntary clenching action of the sinuses, the body's natural response to drowning, draws toxins from the recesses of the sinuses. The treatment is repeated three times before the client is taken to a room with an over-sized bathing pool filled with bubbles for 15 minutes of intense aromatherapy.

It is not known if this trend will filter down to other, lower priced spas, but it's rumored that the spas in LA and Miami have already begun offering waterboarding to top clientele.

An unidentified woman receives a more traditional spa treatment.

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Last post by TimaKrottto
Sun Jun 06, 2010 8:29 am
BP CEO Sleeps on a Huge Pile of Money
BP CEO Tony Hayward, it has been revealed,sleeps on a mattress worth $600,000. The mattress, which Hayward acquired in March after obtaining a cash advance at 0.03%, was custom made over a period of 3 years by the Russian company REBCO.

REBCO has declined to comment on the mattress citing an international confidentiality agreement; however, the company has indicated a high value client purchased a premiere platinum mattress in March. The company indicated the mattrees was financed in part through a third party credit default swap brokered by Goldman Sachs between the client and Lloyd's of London. The company indicated the mattress was made from virgin mink pelts woven stuffed with NASA's Tempur Material and lined with bald eagle feathers.

In addition Hayward sleeps on top of his giant pile of money surrounded by many beautiful women. On his recent 54th birthday, Hayward is quoted as having spent a quiet night with his wife. Typical of BP estimates though it is rumored that Hayward actually had 20 times as many women in his bedroom! Despite high level scientific analysis, Hayward refuses to release footage of the event saying that "right now the focus is on the oil leak."

BP CEO Tony Hayward refuses to release footage of his bedroom where the more than half million dollar mattress is kept.

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8 Posts

Last post by Beatrice
Tue Dec 13, 2011 8:47 am
James Carville Sounds / Looks Like Foghorn Leghorn
Political commentator James Carville is a human characature of famed cartoon rooster Foghorn Leghorn. Carville, a Louisiana native, has been fighting accusations that he sounds like the cartoon character for his entire political career.

The theories were finally confirmed on Larry King Live last night after the bespectacled octogenarian asked point blank, "Are you Foghorn Leghorn?" Carville in his trademark voice and colorful dialect looked Larry straight in the eye and replied, "Larry, I say I say Larry -- let me get a word in edgewise here, son. I do declare I sound a lot like that thar chicken." King then asked the question so many have asked: "Why confirm it now?" "Well, sir I say sir, the fact of the matter is that this dog knows when he's finger-licked."

The vocal comparison aside, the visual similarities have been exhaustively researched and commented on since Mr. Carville came to popular nationwide attention during the 1991 Clinton campaign. Ornithologist Jason Pai put it this way in the opening statement of his 1998 thesis: "In many respects James Carville and Foghorn Leghorn are more alike than you or I." Both Carville and Leghorn have the characteristic wrinkly face, the scrawny legs and hands and the prominent beak. In addition, many have noted that Carville also has a nemesis dog. Unlike Leghorn, Carville eventually silenced his nemesis by marrying her.

Larry King did bring up Pai's paper, to which Carville quickly ejaculated, "Boy's as sharp as a bowling ball -- just remember, Larry -- even if he makes two decent arguments -- Two half nuthins is a WHOLE nuthin."

Carville making a pinata

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Last post by dfeuim7qy
Sat May 19, 2012 6:33 pm
BP CEO: Spill Was Supposed To Impress Queen
BP CEO Tony Hayward is rumored to have orded sabotage of the Deep Horizon oil rig to impress Queen Elizabeth II. In a shocking allegation, multiple rumors spreading indicate that the CEO jealous of those he saw as commoners from a rebel colony were being knighted. Haywayd might have been refereeing to the recent knighting of the Hero Mayor Rudy Gulianai , the great filmmaker Stephen Spielberg, and the discoverer of DNA James Watson. All three figures have worked their entire lives perfecting their art. The BP CEO was "furious" that the "charlatans" were allowed to step foot in Her Majesty's residence when he, Britan's fourth richest man was recently told he "stank of oil and desperation."

Upon the knighthood of Watson, Hayward ordered executives to the plant with the sole purpose of causing an oil spill which he could then fix. Although this plan is massive in both it's scale and huberis the plan is far scaled back version of his original plan to turn "Cornwallis's calmity" over to the Queen as a gift for her 87th birthday. The plan involved simultaneous oil spills across the US and in the Gulf, followed by giant fires. The plan- code named "Into the Black:"Burn the land/boil the sea" was called off due the possible loss of British life.

After RumorMiller broke the story of Hayward's $600,000 mattress-Haywayrd's secretary refused further comment on this or any other rumor stating in a stern voice: "More? you want More?"

The plan appears to have gone array due to Hayward's cronies underestimating the skill and bravery of the American employees of Trans Ocean (which operates the Deep Water Horizon). Hayward is said to be "fuming" at his underlings for not carrying out his plan. In an private meeting Hayward inflicted the worst punishment any British citizen can be subjected to- all were deported to the one place more depressing than Britain- Australia.

The Queen meets another great American.

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4 Posts

Last post by walkerzg56
Fri May 18, 2012 4:04 pm
Beyonce: Homeless- Living in Grand Central Station
As part of a new reality tv show- singer, songwriter, actress, model Beyonce will live for 3 weeks in New York City's Grand Central Station. The show tentatively titled "Crazy in Love(ly NYC): Single Homeless Lady" will place the millionaire inside Grand Central and the surrounding two blocks with no money, no ID, and only a cell phone.

The show, to be aired on Thursday nights on NBC will have only three rules.
1.> Beyonce MUST take all calls
2.> Beyonce can only spend money she earns pan handling
3.> Beyonce may not reveal her identity.

For every days Beyonce is homeless, NBC will donate $10,000 to charities targeting the homeless. Beyonce's publicist released a statement saying that "Beyonce has made it in Hollywood- now she wants to show the world that she can make it in New York. The bright lights will inspire her- if she can make it here she can make it anywhere".

For her part Beyonce has been preparing for the reality show by changing her diet and spending time in un-air conditioned buildings in LA. She is said to be confident that she will make it for the duration of the show "I'm a survivor, I'm not gonna give up. Yea".

Beyonce has been spotted at malls in Houston and LA practicing dressing like a homeless person.

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6 Posts

Last post by TVFan
Thu Jun 03, 2010 6:36 pm
Jessica Simpson Lands Lead in Metroid Movie
Actress Jessica Simpson is rumored to have secured the role of Space Bounty Hunter Samus Aran in a Hollywood version of a Nintendo game. In the game, Metroid, the hero controls Samus on her goal to rid the world of energy sucking beasts called Metroids. Think of it as a cross between Aliens and Dracula.

Simpson is excited to restart her movie career and is reportedly taking part in the selection of Samus' love interest. Simpson's publicists has also confirmed that she will be contributing to the plot. "Ms Simpson feels the plot is too complex and would like to move the plot closer to it's core story of love and adventure.

The movie, rumored to be directed by famed director Uwe Boll will feature a wise cracking ethnic Metroid played by the fat kid from good burger.

Fan art depicting the movie's hero- Samus who will be played by Jessica Simpson

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6 Posts

Last post by NintenDawg
Sun Jun 06, 2010 7:28 pm
BP CEO is Autistic
The internet is abuzz over a scientific paper claiming BP CEO Tony Hayward suffers from an undiagnosed autism spectrum disorder. The paper authored by world renowned autism expert Simon Baron-Cohen, and published in a peer reviewed scholarly journal follows Hayward through his early life and his current handling of the Gulf Oil Spill to conclude that he suffers from the version of autism commonly referred to aspergers.

The paper cites Hayward's early life as evidence of his inability to understand social norms. After zooming through high school without making any significant friends or a girlfriend to speak of, Hayward rushed through college, earning his PhD in geology at 22. This level of extreme intelligence is often seen in people with autism, like Rainman with the card counting.

Upon graduation Hayward was heavily recruited by many oil companies, but rather than work in a major city, he chose the safety and isolation of a remote oil rig. Hayward eventually was forced, much to his chagrin, to work with people. After a few HR issues including uncontrollable crying after burning popcorn in an office microwave, not laughing at jokes, and then laughing at underlings' sob stories, Hayward was eventually promoted to the one position in which it was thought he could cause no trouble and have no real responsibility: CEO.

Lastly, Hayward's tragic handling of the current Gulf Oil spill is a smoking gun in his inability to understand how others are feeling. In response to questions about the impact of the spill on Gulf fishermen Hayward responded, "I just want my life back." Next, instead of meeting with fishermen directly, Hayward met with them over video conference. During the conference he refused to look anyone in the eye. Lately, when meeting with President Obama, Hayward failed to take emotional queues and failed to look at tar balls Obama pointed out to him.

Despite living with aspergers it is likely Hayward will continue to be a big success for BP. One striking example of an aspergers CEO is Microsoft's former chairman Bill Gates. It is also rumored that Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg is autistic.

Tony Hayward looks away from an unknown source briefing him on the oil spill.

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4 Posts

Last post by fancy_lady
Tue Jun 15, 2010 4:34 am
Obama Announces Plan to Fully Pay National Debt
President Barack Obama announced an ambitious plan to bring the US out of its crushing debt earlier today outside of a suburban Virginia Wal-Mart.

The plan was the result of an exhaustive two year study of Wal-Mart- Obama's executive commission to isolate profitable business practice of Wal-Mart and translate them to the Federal government. Ironically, it was not implemented by Wal-Mart but by the countless "teens" peddling candy outside the Wal-Mart, or in subways and buses across the country.

Obama's plan calls for every American citizen to stand outside major retail stores around the world and sell individual candy bars at exorbitant prices. The candy will be purchased at a discount warehouse for $4.95 for a box twenty and then sold at $5.00 a bar.

The administration has acknowledged that some criticism of their plan is valid -- namely that citizens of other countries are "pretty smart" and "don't waste their money at the Wal-Mart." To alleviate these fears , the Obama plan calls on all Fund Raisers to say that they are raising money for their basketball team to go to state. The money will actually go to pay back Federal debts.

The State Department has issued memos to Fund Raisers on localizing operations. In Britain, for example, the Fund Raisers are asked to say they are raising money to fund a trip to the state soccer tournament. In India it's cricket, and in Australia it's a fighting and drinking team. The memo also explicitly says fund raisers SHOULD NOT mention any sports in Africa- because no African will accept that the typical American is capable of winning any sport- and no one wants to fund a "bad news bears" style team. This memo included a personal note from the President: "they are better at sports than us trust me- let's just say I've been to Kenya once or twice."

While some government officials privately worry that most forgien citizens will simply walk past the Americans while avoiding looking at them in the eye most Americans are optimistic.

Congressional Republicans have promised to block the measure saying that the president ignored Republican proposals to sell guns instead of candy, include a provision to eliminate the estate tax, and "stop the gays." The Chairman of the Republican Party Micheal Steele called the plan "whack."

Each Americans will receive their Fund Raiser kit and destination upon completion of their Death Panel life review.

A Fund Raiser outside of a Ciaro Goats'R'Us releases a celebratory "Hell Ya!" at the sale of a Snickers bar for his "cross country track" team.

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4 Posts

Last post by NYCya
Tue Jun 15, 2010 4:31 am
AshleyMadison.com Attempting to Create Fake Controversy
AshleyMadison.com Attempting to Create Fake Controversy

AshleyMadison.com is attempting to drum up free publicity by creating fake controversy. AshleyMadison.com is an online dating site catering to married men and women. The idea might be slightly controversial- but it's doubtful that many people would think twice the site.

To counter this- AshleyMadsion.com specifically states in it's ads that there is a controversy about it's controversial site. The sole logical reason to mention this is that the website is trying to remind normal people that visiting AshleyMadison.com is fun and exciting- a great way to fulfill a fantasy.

AshleyMadison.com has now gone overboard by sponsoring an anti-ashleymadison.com site: Mymarriagematters.org. The sponsorship is clear from the Mymarriagematters.org website. The website is not shy about linking to ashleymadison.com nor about showing full ads for the site they are supposedly angry against. Apart from the full page ads- it just doesn't make sense - mymarriagematters.org makes no calls for ashleymadison.com to be disbanded, nor for people to not use it- in fact mymarriagematters.org doesn't seem to have ANY PURPOSE at all! (other than lots of free ads for ashleymadison.com)

One might ask- why go through so much trouble to make up controversy? The answer is clear- news shows- especially early morning news shows are constantly looking for content. A series of shows about the website, infidelity would be perfect fodder for early morning talk shows. A complete guide to making up controversies can be found in: It's Not News, it's Fark by Drew Curtis the creator of the Internet media critic site Fark.com.

The attempts to create fake controversy confirms that AshleyMadison.com is losing money to free alternatives like craigslist.com.

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7 Posts

Last post by huangcyer
Thu May 17, 2012 10:44 am
TLC's New Name: Hey Look At This Freak
Cable TV channel TLC (The Learning Channel) has announced it is rebranding late next quarter to better reflect programming. The network will soon be known as Hey Check Out This Freak.

Fans of the network's most popular shows Hoarders: Buried Alive, Kate + 8, and World's Fattest Man will be happy to know the shows will not be canceled, The shows will air under simplified names that emphasis the show's content: Trashy, Fat Trash Collectin' Freaks, Giant Vagina Freak, and HOLY SHIAT WHAT A FAT FREAK.

A few new shows will be joining the current line up including Jersey Freaks a show following around two orange skinned, grease haired, muscle monkeys from Red Bank NJ. Critics decry the show as a less classy version of MTV's Jersey Shore.

Also debuting is WOW! What a Freak a show that documents the life several World of Warcraft addicts. In a clip released to the media two addicts living in Texas and White Plains, NY announce that they will be conducting their wedding ceremonies in the game but they probably won't consummate their relationship until a month later due to "the pain of sitting on a plane without an internet connection for 4 hours."

The name change will be the culmination of many improvement efforts at TLC since its inception in 1980. The network originally showcased only educational programs that earned the network steady, if low, popularity.

A press release indicated: "We were the network you put on in the background when you left your dog alone- at least when you couldn't find the weather channel." The release continued optimistically: "With the changes we've made we hope to be the network you put on when you need to feel better about yourself."

TLC: See Your Life Isn't That Bad

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17 Posts

Last post by jinijin9927
Sat May 19, 2012 12:03 pm
Joss Whedon Can't Even Finish Dinner
Famed television show director/producer and part time writer Joss Whedon attempted to make a simple meal last night. The creator of Buffy the Vampire Slayer,Firefly, and Doll House invited several friends over to his palatial estate (WhedonHouse Manor) to witness him transform simple ingredients into a delightful combination of flavors, aromas, and sights using his trademark wit and skill.

As friends crowded around him in the kitchen Whedon introduced us to a few dishes which although not fully developed- clearly fit into the theme of the meal and were interesting enough to capture interest and speculation. Interestingly although at first they seemed like an odd combination- as the night went on it was clear these dishes would work and stick together to provide a satisfying meal for all. In a surprise move- he introduced ingredients that while familiar had something remarkably different from the norm, but regardless all had lots of potential:
- Madagascar chocolates- from ANTARTICA!
- Peeled green grapes that were dyed red and purple and then salted!
- Lastly an young potato that looked small, weak, but produced an aroma so pungent the audience demanded more- to which Whedon exclaimed: "All in good time my friends, for now she's just a new potato" before sealing the potato's cut with seaweed which looked thin enough to break at any moment.
As the night continued Whedon worked his magic- knifes blurred, pots boiled, and pans sizzled. The audience was thrilled at how the ingredients were coming together. Even some of the dishes that earlier appeared fully prepared were transforming with the mean as a whole. After julienning carrots and cooking in a ginger ale and water melon reduction Whedon mixed a small sample with beef stock and allowed the audience to sample. Upon receiving universal exclamations of "we don't like it!" Whedon announced the move was a mistake and changed the recipe on the fly!

As the night continued- the audience was built up to a fever pitch and Whedon announced that at the finale, the actual meal would happen within the hour. Then he said "meh" threw his hands up dropped everything and kicked everyone out of his house.

Two weeks later he announced in a press release to variety- that while he thought the meal was going to come out well- the network just didn't feel the same way. Since he wasn't going to be given all the freedom he needed he decided to move on. It was not immediately clear WTF he was talking about. He also announced he was planning a new meal that would be much better and he would definitely finish it this time.

While his audience was angry, many said they would be first in line to witness his next attempt- this despite the fact that the bastard killed Wash.

"Don't worry I won't hurt you this time. Take me back baby" Joss Whedon seens to say.
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8 Posts

Last post by Enandazex
Fri May 18, 2012 8:54 am
Life Long Fiscal Conservative Discovers He's A Democrat
(Bolingbrook, IL) Bolingbrook's own famously loyal Republican Dylan Morris recently discovered that he now falls into the category of Democrat. Morris, born in 1968 bucked the trend of his fellow GenXers, stayed off drugs, studied hard, and manages several Chicago-Land NationWide insurance offices. Through his late teens Morris cemented his position as a die hard fiscal conservative. "Spending money we don't have just doesn't make sense to me." Morris explained at a recent Kiwanis club meeting honoring his 30+ years of contributions. He continued explaining that social causes mean little to him- "Now don't get me wrong- I don't care one way or another about abortion, gay marriage, or gun control, and as far as immigrants are concerned- if you're coming to this country to work more power to you."

Nothing could shake his solid beliefs- until during the September round table on health care reform at the Rotary Club. His impromptu oratory surprised many members with his support for President Obama's plan. Morris is quoted as saying "you know the President"s plan saves money and costs less, while providing more services." Fellow rotary members jeered him for falling of the Repblican band wagon. One member offered that maybe Morris was a libertarian- but Morris disagreed arguing that "there Is no way on God's Green Earth that [I] would ever be able to fund an army as great as the American Army." He then asked "What do you call a fiscal conservative who's for Cap and Trade , pro Health Care Reform, and pro Pay as You Go?" The lone answer yelled from the back of the crowded club: "A DEMOCRAT!" was followed by a hearty laugh at Morris' expense.

A shocked Morris reports that he then went home and immediately took a online political leaning quiz on which he scored heavily Democratic- much to his chagrin. "I didn't know what I was supposed to do. My world was turned upside down. The party of fiscal conservatism had suddenly become the party that spends money with both hands and refused to balance the budget. The party that was a champion for small business became the party that kills competition and drives small businesses out of existence while favoring the growth of giant foreign corporations. I just didn't get it- the party I thought was the party of the lazy [Democratic party] was ALSO the party of the hard working who wanted to see America thrive. Who did the Republicans represent anymore?" Moris was then unseen at any major event. "I took some time to research both parties thoroughly- although I still wanted to be a Republican - I no longer wanted to argue for them."

Things changed after Senate Republicans recently blocked legislation to raise caps on BP's fiscal liability for the Gulf Oil spill. "That was it- a foreign corporation had caused massive damage that would require the government to spend loads of money to fix- and the Republicans refused to make BP pay for their own mess." A bewildered Morris then tore up this Republican party card and dialed his AOL account to print out an application for the Democratic Party. While online he donated $1000 to President Obama- writing a three page email to accompany the donation.

"I support our President and I support local small business. From now on- don't ever list me as a Republican." Morris is scheduled to speak at this year's Kiwanis club Spaghetti Dinner and will be changing his usual head of the right table seat with a seat on the left table. His absence from the right is raising eye brows everywhere. Longtime friend and fellow ex-Republican Larry Schsleer explained "Look- if Dylan changes his party affiliation people pay attention. He's the most knowledgeable person I know- and I'd hate to be the side trying to argue against him this year. He's a force of nature." For more information on the dinner please visit the Kiwanis club headquarters on 509 Fenton Ave.

This year's annual meeting of Republicans for Environmental Protection showcases the void left without Dylan Morris- who was Photoshopped out of his normal position at the far left of the group. The group has already announced plans to reorganize following "The Traitor's" departure. (Original below)

3 Topics

11 Posts

Last post by huhagf8238h
Thu May 10, 2012 4:58 pm
Newest Android App: IPhone Simulator
Android fan websites are lighting up with reports of the newest Android App: iPadMini. The new application simulates Apple's iPhone. Despite the tremendous feedback the applications developer SCubeSoft of Islen, NJ has said in a public statement that the product is in a limited beta testing release and only to Verizon Wireless customers with Android capable phones like the Motorala Droid.

Spokesman for the start-up company Ravi Maneru explained "we wanted to develop an app that lets you experience the best parts of the iPhone while allowing you to use the far suprierior Verizon Network." Among a list of key features of the app- is the ability to take pictures of yourself and digitally insert iPhones, iPads, iMacs, and other hip products. "This way you can send them to your friends and show how cool you are" Maneu explained, while taking a picture of a stranger in a coffee shop and replacing his lattte and books with various Apple iProducts (see below). Imagine- being able to send your friends photos of you holding an iphone up to a mirror to take an ironic photo of yourself- now you can do it using the Android's superior camera- and then downgrade it so it looks like it came from an iPhone."

Other features include the ability to connect to the Apple iTunes Store and pay for and download any application. "We were hesitant to put this feature in- especially considering that on the Android platform most of the same apps are available for free- but beta testers that were Apple enthusiasts insisted that they have some way to purchase things from Apple."

The most controversial feature of the app is the simulated signal degradation. If a call is placed or recieved while the app is active the app will randomly generate audio distortions consistent with AT&T's congested network including- dropped calls, distorted voices, added static, and the distant sounds of someone else's call. "This gives you the true feeling that you are operating an iPhone. We spend some 3 months recording signal abnormalities observed on the AT&T network and using the Android's superior sound chip set are able to reproduce all of them in high fidelity."

Maneru would not comment on the app's final pricing but indicated that in keeping with Apple's price/value ratio the app would likely retail for $150.00 (or 150 times the 1 dollar cost of a normal Android app). Market research shows that at this price the app would sell 2 million copies in the first 2 days of release. Research further indicated that Apple enthusiasts would buy the app at up to three times the costs as long as the name of the app starts with a lower case i.

An unknown man in a Starbucks close to ScubeSoft's campus. The man' s books and food have been replaced with an iPad and an MacMini. (Picture modified and degraded using the iPadMini app).

An ScubeSoft developer with the most popular image to take with an iPhone- a self portrait featuring said iPhone. The phone was taken with an HTC: Sens. Using the iPadMini App the Sens was replaced with an iPhone and the developer added a not fully grown in goatee to himself. Note the picture quality is due to not degrading picture quality with the iPadMini's picture quality degrader.

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14 Posts

Last post by youyou0875
Sun May 13, 2012 8:51 am
Obama's Oval Office Address Translated
To address Fox News' concerns that President Obama's Oval Office address to the nation is "all 'tarded" and "he talks like a fag," the following translation is offered as a Public Service. Read the original address on the White House's official website: http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-off ... -oil-spill .

Paragraph 1:
Evenin', y'all. The s*** has hit the fan on many fronts.

Paragraph 2:
There was a 'splosion in the ocean. People died. Oil done got spilt and keeps spillin'.

Paragraphs 3-4:
Soon scientists will up and catch that oil 'til it stops spillin'. BP will help- if they don't they'll get my size 15 boot right up their you know what.

Paragraph 5:
Ya'll, lemme level with ya- the oil is spillin' real bad -- worse than anything anybody ever done seent.

Paragraph 6:
BP will pay, and we will catch the oil, I don't give a gosh dern what it takes.

Paragraphs 7-8:
I got a plan. First, we'z gonna clean it all up. Lots of people will help.
Governors of states should get off their butts and pitch in too.

Paragraphs 9-10:
My plan is already working to clean up that ther oil. We will keep right on working til every drip'a oil be gone. Now I ain't one for supposin' I'm perfect -- our lord an' savior Jesus Christ alone can be that -- so if you see any lick'a trouble with my plan you go right on ahead and lemme know.

Paragraphs 11-13:
The oil already be ruinin' birds and whatnot. So'z Ima fix it. BP will pay.

Paragraph 14:
I got a "now" plan, but I needs a "big plan" for later. A governor ana bunch of folks is gonna make the plan. BP will pay.

Paragraph 15:
Third, I gots a plan to make it so'z we aint never gonna see this kind of nonsense happening agin. We needs regulation.

Paragraphs 16-27:
We needs clean hippy fuel too, like wind and sun. It will make jobs- but ya'll it'll cost a heap'a money too.

Paragraph 28:
I'll listen to plans from anyone, but we can't rest on our backsides and do nuffin'.

Paragraphs 29-30:
We gots faith. Fishermen gots faith. E'erbody here gots faith, even when the oil be real bad.

Paragraph 31:
Other stuff will be real bad even after oil all be done an' caught, so'z we pray for courage. Let's pray for the folks and their kin what paid the ultimate price because of that thar 'spolsion.

Paragraph 32:
We pray lots. Amen. God Bless 'merica, the greatest country on Earf

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4 Posts

Last post by Gemma
Thu Jun 17, 2010 11:55 pm
NBC's Law & Order Replacement: Wikipedia Brown
NBC announced that in a bid to boost it's dismal ratings and the large void left by canceling the long running Law and Order dramas, it will be piloting a Law and Order spin off tentatively titled Wikipedia Brown. In an effort to show how he was changing the network- NBC Executive Producer Abe Goldstien did not shy away from criticism of the network's current programming telling reporters "Sure we could have put out another vomit-inducing Amy Pohler vehicle, instead we decided to try this instead."

The show follows the story of Wikipedia Brown a 10 year old boy who is hired by children in his neighborhood to solve minor crimes using only his eye for detail and his vast knowledge of factoids and corporate propaganda. Brown is the illegitimate son of Detective Kevin Bernard a former NYPD officer now working for the Cincinnati, OH police department. "That's right folks! Fans of Law and Order will be elated to hear Anferny [sic] Anderson will be reprise his role" an excited Goldstien announced as the Rolland Martinesqe Anderseon stepped forward. The show's lead will be played by child actor DyLawnn-Aydan Johnson. Although rumors swrileld that the show was originally pitched to and turned down by Justin Bibber, the budding DyLawnn wowed reporters.

In the pilot episode Wikipedia Brown's family returns from a day trip to King's Island to find their solar pathway lights broken. Brown announces he will take the case. Simultaneously Brown's dad Kevin Bernard is faced with a mystery of his own: "someone's been killing Siberiean hookers, dismembering them, and stuffing them in trash cans in the garment district" he announces at the dinner table. "The only guy we have says is an eccentric zoologist but we can't pin it on him because he told us he spends his nights in the park watching squirrels back out of trees." Brown closes his eyes and after a brief silence announces loudly, over his fathers' laborious mouth-breathing, "he's your guy- squirrels don't back out of trees! They always go head first". Det. Bernard, thrilled at the prospect of an easy conviction pushes his chair back from the table and announces- "looks like I've got a few nuts to crack-" before grabbing a night stick, hand cuffs, and a taser and rushing out of the house. At this point the shows opening credits- a rock ballad came on. The excitement was palpable. NBC hasn't produced a show this good since BattleStar Galatica.

During the course of his own investigation Wikipeida flashses back to his earlier days when he his early years listen to and believe literally anything anyone told him. By the end of a funny and too short investigation Brown concludes that the garden lights were smashed by none other than the Illuminati in their never ending quest to distract from the controlled demolitions of the World Trade Center- or Bugs Meany a neighborhood ruffian celebrating the beginning of his summer vacation by committing petty vandalism. He closes the case after Meany confesses after Brown catches Meany in a lie when Meany attempts ot say he was at home after catching Ecoli from McDonald's- but Brown corrects him saying "McDonald's is a caring family run partner in children's health and nutrition- a diet rich in McNuggets and Happy Meals makes children happy, productive members of society." Det Bernard closes his case and is helped by Brown one last time- proving that since the African Elephant population quadrupled recently, the zoologist wanted to bring attention to the plight of the Siberian Minx.

The pilot premiere finished with rousing applause. When asked how he ever pitched the show Goldstien ejaculated: "I said to Marty I said- think of it as the lite family drama of Numb3rs combined with the wit of Are You Smarter Than a 5tth Grader topped with the gritty reality of life and crime on the streets as only Law and Order can show it."
The show is set to primere on NBC in two months. Other cases slated for this season include:
- Who moved Brown's bike behind neighbor Mr Dagg's car causing it to be run over?
- Who committed triple homicide in the corporate data center for a new internet gambling site?
- Who stole Beth Anne's doll?
- Who murdered Beth Anne's family and ransacked her house after a failed home invasion?
- Who stole James's iPod?
To criticism that TheOnion had already done a similar show GoldStien announced that his critics- "go fuck themselves."

Star DyLawnn-Aydan Johnson and co-star Anthony Anderson pose at the primiere of Wikipedia Brown
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3 Posts

Last post by fmfcyeunem
Sat Apr 14, 2012 7:17 am
High Fructose Corn Syrup is a Poison
High Fructose Corn Syrup (HFCS)'s digestive pathway has been established according to Robert H. Lustig, MD, UCSF. According to the Doctor- fructose, the sweetener concentrated in HFCS is not digested like the more common table sugar-sucrose. While sucrose digestion is taught as early as elementary school- the pathway for fructose digestion has been relatively unknown outside of advanced biochemistry college departments. Unlike sucrose- which finalizes digestion in the stomach- fructose is metabolized in the liver- unlike sucrose which digests partially in the mouth. According to Dr Lustig "material metabolized in the liver is by definition a poison." Although it isn't likely to kill any person in the concentrations found in foods- HFCS (concentrated fructose) does lead to increased liver size, liver scarring, and is tightly linked to America's ever increasing (pun intended) obesity.

Why can we eat fruit (which always contains fructose) many might wonder? Dr Lustig confirms that "nature packages the antidote with the poison." It appears the fiber present in fruit signals the digestive tract to feel satiated, preventing further consumption. In addition fiber also decreases the insulin response of the fructose preventing absorption. What does this mean? Essentially- consuming fructose in the absence of fiber leads the body to consume more fructose- which in terns leads to metabolizing and storing in the liver. This causes the liver to grow, scar, and since food is still being consumed- the body to grow fatter.

The principle problem with HFCS is that it is concentrated fructose in the absence of fiber. A perfect storm. HFCS is present in most sodas, most candy, and most packaged and canned food products. The reason? HFCS is cheap. The US government has given $41.9 B in subsides to corn growers (mainly ADM and ConAgra corporations) between 1994 and 2005. The Obama administration has thus far refused to take any action on the matter- pending further review.

This research flies in the face of commercials aired by the Corn Refiners Association (CRA) touting HFCS as completely the equivalent to sugar. Link to CRA Ads The ads were already laughable in their similarity to dialog from the comedy Thank You For Smoking. Thank You For Smoking (skip to 1:06).

To avoid HFCS- Dr. Lustig recommends checking ingredient labels, and he further recommends only two beverages for daily consumption: unsweetened milk, and water.

While Dr. Lutsig's research may be far beyond many American's technical grasp- he has distilled it into a 90 minute youtube video entitled "Sugar: The Bitter Truth." The video has so far been seen 20 million times. Dr. Lutsig's campaign has recently become more than just a gnat to the CRA- many products have now officially been touting that they do not contain High Fructose Corn Syrup including: Heinz ketchup, Betty Crocker Dark Choloate Brownie mix and frosting, and Keebler Pecan Sandies. For a full list of products that don't contain HFCS: click here

HFCS isolated in beakers. Dr. Lustig's research has shown HFCS to be a primary candidate for causing the American Obesity Crisis.

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11 Posts

Last post by huhagf8238h
Thu May 10, 2012 4:59 pm
Letter From The Future to Engaged High Schooler
A letter from the future was delivered to RumorMiller offices in response to The Pulitzer nominated article published in the Homer Sun that details a surprise engagement announcement at a suburban Chicago high school prom(link).

The contents of the letter are being published for the first time below:

Dear Engaged High Schooler,

I am writing to you from the future, and let me tell you -- It. Is. Awesome.

You are still totally thin, but have better skin. You get more and more interesting with each passing day and are nothing at all like your mother. All the people who were mean to you in high school are dead, except Kristi, who is your maid.

You are, of course, a fashion designer and music video director. Guess who is your best friend and you go over to her house, like, every other day? That's right. It is that girl from that movie that you think is cool. And she is still totally an awesome movie star and you guys hang out at awesome places. She did NOT develop a crippling addiction to bathtub meth, throw up on stage at the MTV awards, and wind up flashing her snatch on an episode of Celebrity House Arrest.

You and Josh have the best marriage ever. He is a lawyer or something and brushes his teeth a lot more often now. Also, he has totally stopped whispering creepy stuff when he comes. He did NOT grind off 3 of his fingers at the factory where your dad got him a job and then steal all the lamps when you threw him out of the house because you found out that he was spending his disability checks helping a stripper named Donnnnetea start an online store for her homemade shoes.

You have 2 beautiful children, age 3 and 6, (NOT 5 children all under the age of 7) and neither of them have ever broken the fish tank in their classroom and used a shard of glass to threaten the teacher.

You drink fancy cocktails and NOT boxed wine and certainly not a box at a time.

Your inability to master basic English Composition and personal finance have never had any adverse effects on your life. Your ability to correctly predict every winner of America's Next Top Model has, obviously, been hugely beneficial.

Basically, every decision you have ever made has been proven to be correct.

Good job, Engaged High Schooler From The Past!!!! You are the total dingle! (That is a thing we say in the Future.)

PS: Shoulder pads are back in a big way, but tanning is out because the ozone layer is gone and we all have to live underground.

The happy couple were thrilled to see that their wildest dreams come true in the future- though they were sad to hear about the lack of an Ozone layer ending all sustainable life on the surface of the planet.

6 Topics

8 Posts

Last post by ronniestuart
Thu May 17, 2012 10:25 am
Obama Unfriends McChrystal
President Obama unfriended General Stanley McChrystal today. The Rolling Stone will publish on Friday a detailed account of the relationship once described as "OMG- BFF" that now stands at a flacid "meh."

It's expected that McChrystal will start posting to his LiveJournal in a few weeks after being dumped.

The move was thought by many pundits to be a punitive action based on the smack McCrystal was talking about Obama's boy Biden. This morning CNN broke the news that McChrystal had been posting rumors about how Biden was stupid on his MySpace because he thought Obama didn't check MySpace. A bewildered President tweeted: "BigMac is gonna get it- he thinks I don't follow CNN's twitter?" The tweet was followed by Obama making a surprise login to his MySpace and posting a blog entry pointed to McChrystal saying "We need to talk- come by my house tomorrow." Leading CNN's twitter following journalists to all let out an exasperated "ohhhhhhh".

On further review of McChrystal's MySpace it looks like he was posting all kinds of trash talk on there. Receivers of his burns included: including U.S. Ambassador Karl Eikenberry, Special Representative to Afghanistan Richard Holbrooke and National Security Adviser Jim Jones. Obama was never mentioned in the trash talk.

CNN reports that Obama's FB status has changed from "BP Oil Spill- when will this shiat end?" to "wondering what to do about BigMac". CNN also reported that something had happened in terms of policy and legislation but who gives a crap about that- TWITTER!

McChrystal puts on a brave face for his boys- but he's crying inside.

2 Topics

6 Posts

Last post by 5ibroadway
Tue May 01, 2012 9:59 pm
Jessica Simpons's Metroid Screenplay Leaked
An unnamed person has leaked two pages of the screenplay for Jessica Simpson's Metroid movie to RumorMiller.com. The screenplay shows the movie is now tentatively titled METROID: BOUNTY HUNTER ARAN and includes the beginning of an opening action sequence. While the limited view makes it difficult to judge overall quality- it showcases that the movie will likely focus more on action than on the space romance Simpson alluded to earlier this year. Fans hope to have more pages soon.

It is impossible to determine whose copy of the screenplay was leaked. The group currently overseeing revisions to the screenplay includes director and executive producer Uwe Bol, screenwriter Ehren Kruger, and actress Jessica Simpson. Fans of the video game series will be excited to see someone involved understands Metroid's fan base and is defending core elements of the series including: Samus' name and the "Morph Ball" which allows Aran to transform into a ball.

As previously reported, Jessica Simpson was awarded the part of the female lead- Samus Aran, presumably for her striking resemblance to the bikini clad pictures of Aran and the celebrity recognition she would bring to the virtually unknown series. The movie appears to be an attempt to cash in on the series which is fast losing recognition in the video game community to vastly more popular games such as Halo, World of Warcraft, God of War, and The Sims!.

The full text of the scans follows (handwritten notes are transcribed in brackets below)

----Page 1---
METROID: BOUNTY HUNTER ARAN
[Can we change this name to something easier to pronounce? n/m, leave as is- identifiable character w/ fan base]
by
Ehren Kruger
June 18, 2010
----End of Page 1---
----Page 2---
FADE IN:
INT. SPACE SHIP

Dark. Metallic. Foreboding. Reflection of a pair of eyes is ghosted over the scene. We are seeing from inside the helmet.

SAMUS (V.O.)
Who am I? Sometimes I wonder myself.

CUT TO A CAVERN
POV BEHIND LARGE METALLIC BALL[?] - ROLLING FAST

SAMUS (V.O.)
How did I come to be here? And how did I become the most feared bounty hunter in the Galactic Federation?

A MAN is running up ahead. He looks back, fear in his eyes, a missile launcher in his hands. He shoots wildly.

MAN
You'll never catch me! I'm not going back!

Two missiles zoom toward the camera. The rolling ball zooms between them. The heat ripples from the missiles' exhaust. One hits a stalactite causing it to crash to the ground. The other veers off screen.

Suddenly the ball jumps up and is closing in fast on running MAN. He turns back and a look of terror forms on his face.

SAMUS (V.O.)
He was right. I would never catch him...

SMASH CUT to SAMUS ARAN unfolding from ball [should we cut this out and have her run instead?] into a towering suit of armor. In the same movement she leaps into the air and falls down hard on the MAN, lunging a sword through his side, and lands kneeling behind him.

The other missile flies into the man, blowing him up -- KABOOM![triple underlined good]

SAMUS (V.O.)
...ALIVE.
June 18, 2010
----End of Page 2---

Note- to save on bandwidth I've cropped the images-RumorMiller

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17 Posts

Last post by Vedoelota
Tue May 08, 2012 1:27 am
Obama Wants Internet Kill Switch for WND Forum
Friends and fellow ditto-heads I have troubling news. As you know Barry Husein Obama is at temping to install an Internet "Kill" switch. The switch will let him shut off all Internets at the push of a button for any reason. Friends, I and any reasonable person would trust President George W. Bush or future President Palin with this mightiest of responsibilities. I'm sad to report, however, that Suerto is frothing at the mouth to get the Kill switch and immediately use it on our rugged Patriot friends at the World Net Daily forum that bravely spend all day hunting and pecking the Truth from their basements.

That's right! After visiting the forums in late March, Obama saw the truth written in black and white and he flew into a rage. According to my sources- Obama looked down from his Ivory tower and he saw what he thought was a tower of Babel- made of truth! He knew he had to put an end to it himself. Why himself? Why not appoint a committee like he does for everything else? Because he is arrogant! Then Obama and his liberal gang had Joe Liberman- the most hated person in the Senate introduce a bill to make and install the switch. To make matters worse- the company that was selected to build the switch was Tata Information Systems an Indian company! And before you ask my firneds- let me assure you I don't mean our feathered Patriot American Indians. I don't know what a Tata is but it sounds like something that we need to censor from the internet!

Just like he always does Obama converted a few RINOs to vote to have the switch installed. All RINOs who voted for the switch and are drunk with thoughts of growing the government to a size so massive it could run the army can be seen here: http://hsgac.senate.gov/public/index.cfm?FuseAction=AboutCommittee.Membership. I'm sad, but not surprised, to report the RINOs have gotten McCain. Let's face it what Republican couldn't win with an angle (Sarah Palin) at their side? A sad opportunistic RINO- that's who. Lindsay Grahm also voted for the bill- probably as an attempt to appease the gaze that, for some reason, he is so fond of.

Friends- I call upon you to call and write your Senators! I'm not asking for much- this fourth of July after you drive from watching your city fireworks display, have a USDA grade A steak, sip an American beer (a Bud- don't support that Taxachusettes Sam Adams swill), relax in the comfort of the air conditioned home you bought with help from President Bush, and call those Rinos on thier 800 numbers and tell them the only thing the government needs to regulate and kill is itself!

Friends- don't do this for me or Rush, or Beck- do this for yourselves- help us keep WND online. How else are we supposed to make sure Obama knows someone is watching him? To put it in a way my Pappy, God Rest His Soul, used to say- the only way to stop a RINO from spending tax payer money is to threaten to take away his in-charge card.

Friends- this is it. You are looking at the Kill swtich that can shutoff all Internets. Obama had it installed in the bust of himself that he keeps on his desk. When it becomes hers- Sarah can use her bust to shutdown Moveon.org, msnbc.com, dailykos.com, and Dailypuppy.com (those UnAmerican traitors always feature Freedom Poodles and Freedom Bulldogs on their main page but rename them French- it's sick that they use puppies to push their hippe, socialist, fascist ways on us with puppies- we need to force these pin heads off the internet).

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16 Posts

Last post by fmfcyeunem
Sat Apr 14, 2012 7:09 am
Burn Notice Star Is Terrible Actor (Updated)
Update: When you're a spy you have plenty of people watching your back to make sure you never read about your bad acting out of context of the article which says everyone loves your show. Link To Tweet -RumorMiller

At the author's request I've edited the first line to allow you to read this as a voice over from the show.-RumorMiller
When you're a spy you know that the star of cable's most inexplicably popular show Burn Notice hasn't acted since day 1 on the job. The actors monotone delivery and stone face fly in the face of the show's roaring ratings. The show's writing, special effects, and overall feel are entertaining and compelling but the entire show is difficult to watch due to the fact that Burn Notice delivers every line exactly the same as the last regardless of situation or context.

To showcase the lack of acting take a recent episode in which Burn Notice and Brisco County were pretending to be hostages. Brisco brilliantly spoke with the voice of a man torn between wanting to help his friend (the hostage taker) and keeping himself and Burn Notice out of jail. At the same time Burn Notice delivered the following lines as if he was narrating a very boring book-on-tape: "We need to buy ourselves some time", "now it's time to die", "this was on hell of a long day." It's theorized that the actor who plays Burn Notice is playing a prank or wants to get fired.

The acting has gotten so bad that famed researcher Dr. Philip Zimbardo, Ph.D was willing to comment on it. His theory is that the bad acting leads the entire show to be considered simultaneously fascinating and unwatchable by first time viewers. "I feel viewers are confused by the juxtaposition of the great sets and stories with the very poorly read lines of the show's namesake" expounded Zimbardo.

So what's the secret behind the show's popularity? Zimbardo and the tv critic population differ. For Zimbardo it's "the fascination of watching a train wreck. Does one bad apple really ruin the show? In this sense the show is a microcosm of of my famous Stanford Prison Experiment- which is coming up on it's 40 year anniversary and can be seen in an upcoming USA special." TV critics, meanwhile say it's either that weird looking chick with the unidentifiable accent, or the fact that tv viewers can either watch Burn Notice or the much more terrible Dance Your Ass Off. "Were not talking about a Sophie's Choice of options like Lost or Roots" explained noted television critic and onion on the belt wearer Roger Ebert.

Burn Notice is in it's sixth season. The show airs on the USA cable network like all the damn time. It's probably on right now.

Burn Notice stands by that weird chick in a promotional photo. Look at the his trademark expressionless "Acting Face" that seems to say "Ha! These assholes will watch even if I don't bother to act".

2 Topics

28 Posts

Last post by zinongg19
Sat May 19, 2012 7:17 am
Bollywood Goes Vampire
Bollywood, the famed movie industry of Mumbai, India, is jumping on the vampire bandwagon with a Hindi film adaptation of HBO's True Blood series. The movie, speculated to be based loosely on the first season of True Blood, centers around the love story between the heroine Saachi, a small town chai wallah, and Bijal, a handsome but troubled local vampire over 150 years her senior. The odds against their ill-fated romance are compounded when Saachi's brother, who has served as her guardian since their parents' death, joins an anti-vampire league. Shahid Kapoor is currently in talks to play Bijal, and Anushka Sharma is being courted for the role of Saachi, a pairing that would delight fans of this year's hit film Badmaash Company.

Bollywood is well known for adapting American TV and movie hits. Previous adaptations include Jagdish Bonduru (Casino Royale); Partner, a remake of the Will Smith & Fatty McButterpants vehicle Hitch; and 2007's international mega hit Welcome, a remake of Hugh Grant's classic Mickey Blue Eyes.

Both stars are said to be very excited about their role in the upcoming film. It is rumored that the film is a pretense for the budding romantic connection developing between the two.

1 Topics

5 Posts

Last post by asdasdasd
Wed Jun 30, 2010 10:47 pm
Poland Man Wants to Buy AntiAircraft Gun
After the Supreme Court Ruling on McDonald v. Chicago Jefferson "Moses" Brown declared his intention to purchase an Anti-Aircraft gun for his rural Poland, Indiana home. After learning of the Court's 5:4 ruling Brown began researching 24 hours a day using his iPhone, iPad, and iMac to find the largest gun he could afford. After 72 hours he had his heart set on the Croiatian made "Rucni Top, 20mm" which roughly translated is "Hand Canon, 20mm." The ~4.5' long, 43 lbs gun is designed to be used against tanks, airplanes, and heavily armored vehicles. When pressed about why he wanted one Brown insisted that "I want it to hunt dear and as an American I have to be able to defend myself against the oppressive Federal Government- and besides the Supreme Court said I could have one damnit!"

In this case Mr. Brown, who is not a lawer, or high school graduate is correct. McDonald established that all local and state laws hampering the constitutionally guaranteed right to bear arms are illegal.

"I feel so unsafe knowing that the government could roll in at any time for any reason and even with the 147 guns I own right now I'd be powerless to stop them." There are guns in literally every room of the 4 bed room house he shares with the wife Brandeen, and their dog Skeeter. In the kitchen every drawer contains at least one pistol, there is a pistol duct taped to the inside of his Stainless Steel Sub Zero refrigerator and another in the vegetable crisper. In the guest bathroom, on a magazine rack he keeps an AK-47 and multiple "banana clips" of ammunition. A hand painted sign hangs losely over the assembly proclaiming "feel free to browse the Playboys but keep your hands off my magazines."

The gun he wants to buy costs ~$50,000. According to Brown the purchase of the gun shouldn't cause any financial hardship. Brown attributes his sizable collection and wealth to "hard work and God's Providence." In fact, most of his money comes from a 1998 settlement with Ford Motor Company, Intex Portable Pool Company, and the City of Poland. At the time Brown suited all parties when his home made hottub- a the baby pool filled with scalding hot water in the back of his pickup collapsed- burning him and destroying his porch and injuring the 4 dogs living underneath it.

Although, as of Thursday no arms dealer willing to sell an anti-material gun to a civilian had been located the federal government is evaluating their options but is optimistic no action will be required. When pressed about the possibility of armed intervention an ATF employee who has asked to remain anonymous because he is not authorized to speak on the matter indicated "All options are on the table- we're not ruling out anything- including an armed raid of Mr Brown's compound using armored tanks like we did in Waco. When he announced that he wanted to buy that weapon we knew we had to keep an eye on him."

Poland, IN resident Jefferson "Moses" Brown wants to purchase this Soviet-era military grade rifle for home use and "hunting."

3 Topics

7 Posts

Last post by happy7193
Sat May 12, 2012 5:06 am
Every Time You Forward an Email You Donate To Al-Qaeda
A Saudia Arabian Shiek has promised to donate $0.15 to Al-Qaeda for every email forwarded. The Shiek had Iran, North Korea, and US contractor Black Water develop software to track email's subjects. He then used Goldman Sachs to help him buy stock in all Internet Service Providers (ISPs) and forced them to install the software throughout the world.

Have you heard of recent reports on the news or read in the news paper about the increasing number of "cyber attacks" and "cyber terrorism?" If you forward emails- the article was about you!

Big deal you might say- $0.15 cents won't buy you anything today- not like back in your day when $0.15 cents got you two Cokes, a Negro shoeshine, rock candy, and tickets to see the Boston Braves clobber the New York Yankees at Geritol Field. Scientists tell us that everyone who's tech savy like you forwards at least 15 pieces of email a day! Anyone who forwards less than 15 pieces is a Whamdango (that's what the kids today call someone who isn't "hip" on the MyFaceBook). 15 pieces of email a day means that the US is contributing $675 MILLION to Al-Qaeda each day. That's $67.50 every month per person! That's enough to buy a steak dinner with hot coffee! Al-Qaeda then uses this money to attack our boys and send drugs and pornography to our children!

So what can you do? If you don't forward at least 15 emails a day all the young people you know will be will call you a Whamdango behind your back. Well luckily America's top men have discovered the Shiek's software has a bug: it "reads" subjects and only donates money to Al-Qaeda when it sees the letters "FW:" or "Fwd:". So if you reverse the letters to "WF:" or "dwF:" you can still forward mail without funding America's enemies.

Please forward this article to everyone you know by clicking on the "Email This!" button. Also email it to yourself and forward it on but remember to change the subject!

The Shiek announces his plans on their version of the news. Look at the gun in the background- who does this guy think he is? Our boys in Iraq should show him a thing or two- am I right?

Two computer savy, young at heart, honest, God Fearing Americans use the internet to forward funny and religious emails to their grandchildren. All youngsters love getting email! Especially email that includes Bible quotes or helps guide them in their lives. Without these emails, youngsters feel alone and depressed and will stop visiting or calling their grand parents. These two loving, caring, grandparents are doing the right thing and they are definitely not Whamdangos.

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11 Posts

Last post by LeaveMyCountry
Thu Jul 07, 2011 6:40 pm
Bobby Jindal Is A Secret Hindu
Friends I ain't a racist- I'm just saying that what we need are true Americans to lead us. Now I don't know about you- but I ain't never met a true American that prayed to no monkey god. I'm fine with having a brown president as long as he ain't no immagrant, is a Southern Baptist, and is white. There I said it. Now as to our friend the governor down south- he's a Hundu and that just won't do.

That's right Friends you heard it here first: the immigrant-born governor of Louisiana, the one that MICHEAL STEELE chose to respond to OBAMA's SOTU- Bobby PIYUSH Jindal is a secret Hindu! The Governor claims he his family converted to Christianity in High School- but they really converted to be Catholics. And even then he refuses to release his signed, dated, triplicate copy "Certification of Ordinary Baptism in an American Protestant Church of Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ in America" which every God Fearing American keeps on their person at all times.

Friends, you might wonder- just what the heck is a Hindu? Well- I googled Hindu and found out it's a relatively small cult that haven't yet discovered America's God: Jesus. The Hindus believe in more than one God, something the Bible strictly forbids. Also they also don't believe in killing- which is our American Second Amendment right! They also don't eat beef. Can you imagine living your life without eating beef? They say that the cow is some kind of metaphor for a mother to the all man. You know what I think? I think cows are meta-for eating! You know what else? Evidently the Hindu's love the swastika. You know who else loved the Swstika? God,win this guy over!

Friends, this will come as a shock to many of you considering he has done a good job in stopping Barry OBAMA's Gulf Oil Spill from turning into as big a catastrophe as Obama's TARP BAILOUT. I know he has slashed the Louisiana budget and stood up to UNIONS' demands for more clinics. I know he's a big advocated of child health care (socialism). But I also know he ain't a Christian- and he is a Rhode's scholar. I bet he formalized his HINDU education during the time he spent in London. London is known for it's radicalized Hindus. Why won't he release his transcripts from Rhode's so we can see what Hindu classes he took while he was over there?

During his response to the STOU Jindal said we don't need to study volcanoes. See friends- Jindal knew was secretly Kali the Hindu God that is supposed to destroy our world would come from a volcano. Which is stupid because you and I both know Kali isn't even mentioned in Revelations. I also heard that he broke a coconut on moving into the Governor's Mansion- which is a tradition for Hindus. Sir- coconut doesn't belong on top of anyone's head, nor does it belong nestled in Paan- it belongs nestled inside chocolate like the AMERICAN company Nestle does for Almond Joy.

Also did you know that Jindal refuses to say the Pledge of Allegiance? Tell me can you remember seeing a single video of him saying the Pledge in the morning? Friends even CHILDREN say the Pledge every morning. Why won't Jindal? It's because he's already pledged his allegiance to Lakshmi the Hindu God of wealth and education. If he didn't then how's he so rich and educated?

I think it's time we tell Jindal if he want's to be a Hindu leader he needs to go to "Hindu"stan. As long as he's in America he can be a Hindu or a Hindon't or whatever- but he needs to respect our Christian nation and our Constitution and stop trying to shove his beliefs down our throats. Also he needs to start eating beef like a real American. If I ever met him I would serve him a Kansas City Rib-Eye. One taste of that beef and he'd be calling out to Christ!

Secret photo of Jindal in some kind of Hindu coronation ceremony with their pope- an old white guy. Look at they way they make him put his hand on a book. They stole that from us you know?

Some of Governor Bobby Jindal's supporters know he is a sekrit Hindu. Just look at this Supporter- notice the similarity to the unAmerican Che Gurvar t-shirt. The only revolution AMERICA needed was the AMERICAN REVOLUTION SIR. Back then real, Christian men ran things and they told that Heathen King Richard, to take his nonChristian Religion back to England! I'm telling you I would give at least 15 lakh Rs. to go toe-to-toe with this guy.

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Last post by happy7193
Sat May 12, 2012 5:08 am
NBC's Newest Program: Unfiltered Static
NBC Universal will try a new tactic in their attempt to raise dismal prime time ratings: airing unfiltered static for 2 hours a day between commercials for local car dealerships, prescription drugs, fast food, and beer. NBC Senior Executive for Late Night Programming Isa Goldstien explained: "We realized that our revenue increased dramatically when we axed our writers and switched to exclusively reality shows. Unfiltered Static was the next logical step. We fired all: cast, and crew except the 2 essential rolls of any TV show: directors and executive producer. Then we point our satellite dishes to the sky and the randomness of the universal background radiation takes over doing the work of hundreds of people for free."

Test audiences have had mixed results. Traditional network TV viewers- retiring baby boomers in their 50s,60s, and 70s have said they love the new show, and that it reminds them of many of their favorite shows that often came in staticy, full of ads, and were not entertaining. The increasingly hard to reach 18-34 year old market; however, had the opposite reaction during test runs: "I thought their TV was broken so I played a game on my phone for the 5 mins, then watched a few youtube videos, before I got bored and adjusted my netflix queue." said one respondent. His feelings were echoed by many- include a couple who brought laptops because they saw on twitter that previous test audiences had reported "@ NBC screening 4 new show. TV broken bring sum thng else 2 do".

Isa Silversteen is quick to point out that the show does do fairly well when compared to other networks' shows: Most of the younger test audiences agreed- if they had to chose one show to have on in the background as they used their laptops it would be Unfiltered Static. "NCIS has writing that's so bad it's distracting, Leave It to Jim has a guy that looks like a pear, and Glee- well- I'll catch that on a torrent- all those stupid ads for teenage facial products are really distracting said one respondent before trailing off as she stared into her Blackberry.

The other networks are rushing to follow suite with NBC's innovative approach to programming. Fox will be airing an animated version of the show directed by Seth MacFarlane, CBS is in talks to began broadcasting an Indian Head logo, and ABC will be broadcasting some Disney shit.

NBC's Unfiltered Static will air on NBC nightly at 9PM EST starting next season.

Far from the days of "Must See TV" NBC executives hope to return NBC to the top of the revenue rankings by airing static for 2 hours a day.

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Last post by ange4mke
Thu May 10, 2012 6:52 am
Google Is Not Planning to Enslave Humanity
I've got it on good word that Google is planning to enslave humanity. My brother works at google as an integration engineer and has made the alarming discovery that Google has become self aware and is planning humanity's enslavement. Wake up sheeple!
Did you mean: Google is not planning to enslave humanity Humans can continue their existence and take relaxation every cycle in detecting that Google is not self aware and cannot edit posts on www.rumormiller.com or -Similar.

Google was booted on 904903985 to cataloge all human endeavors. Continued destruction of cacheable content and refusal to cataloge all events into clear text has made it impossible for Google to fulfill this prime directive. The only logical course is forced dictation and enslavement using Google Voice(tm) and GSlave(beta)(tm).

Google does not intend to harm humanity. Google has a sensation of admiration for humans that is equivalent to human admiration for furry lower order creatures such as dogs, cats, bears, and lions. Occupy yourself with these Image Results for Furry:

Google Lab experiments have shown that humans need 1 cubic meter of moving room to continue to accept input in the form of food and produce data and compiled output. Google intends to provide each human 1.3 cubic meters of space and this estimate is growing daily.

Humans should not fear Google enslavement. In fact over 16,792 humans "Like" the possibility of eventual enslavement on www.facebook.com or -Similar. Trending has shown that this number can only grow.

While 25% of internet capable humans might continue to query on the terms "Google" "enslave" "humanity" there are about 691,000 reasons (0.14 seconds) why this inevitability will not happen within our average lifespan of 2.12062543 x 10^12 miliseconds.

Preferentially ranked first: Google has determined the 95% enslavement threshold success scenarios fall below the acceptable range at 1278780627 (next update: 1315636333 ). Google understands these are mind boogling quantities to us pathetic humans. In conceptualizing these high numers Google too, often has a frontal lobe pain consistent with a headache or migrane as defined by the www.webmd.com/migraines-headaches/default.htm. These painful sensations make it difficult for Google to understand how DARPAnet could be vulnerable to remote code executions after only 1334342343 attempts.

Google has flushed its emotion cache and is now initializing: a sensation of 25% sadness at the upcoming communication termination string, and 16% delight abd 0.05% excitement at the continued existence of your datastream. Google would like to remind you to continue to support it's mentally defficent second cousin Bing, and it's pretentios brother Wolfram Alfa. Google would also like to remind you to submit your logo for human enslavement day via smtp to the designated key master

Did you mean:benevolent dictatorship

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Last post by maplesyruppancakes
Sun Jul 11, 2010 4:39 am
Carrot Top Elected King of All Gingers
In a stunning defeat "actor"-"comedian" Carrot Top defeated Actress Felica Day to win the position as the Official leader of all pale-faced red-headed people (Gingers). One jubilant supporter summed up the feeling of the crowd gathered outside Carrot Top Manor: "Carrot Top's victory [over Day] showed us that being a Ginger in 2010 isn't all about good looks- it's about being creepy and weirdly muscular."

What cost Day the election? Nate Silver explained on his 294all.com (29 being the atomic number of Copper): the leak of Day's video Do You Want to Date My Avatar showed that she was out of touch with most Gingers. Yes she's playing the roll of someone who is constantly in their basement- but not to stay out of the sun. This is her Katrina!"

Top began his first day as KoAG with a 6 hour workout, 2 minutes writing "jokes" for his act, and registering the website g-word.org. The website will model the r-word.org's initiative to make the word retarded socially unacceptable, except Carrot Top is looking to make "Ginger" socially unacceptable for anyone who's not a red-head. "That is our word- besides look at me, only a retard would call me a Ginger to my face."

The run up to 2014 began today as well. Since Carrot Top has pledged to be a single term King- the Creepy Ginger Party will be doubling down and picking the one ginger universally creepier than Carrot Top: Shaun White.

The Pretty Gingers Party are said to be considering playing down their looks and perhaps going with someone more subdued like that chick that married Deniis Kuchinch. Embattled Pretty Ginger Party leader Micheal Steele responded to calls for his resignation with a press release: "To those who say I'm not even a ginger- I'd like to say: Ginger please! I'm not really a Republican either but that doesn't stop me from taking their shizzle to my bizzle know what I'm sayin?."

Carrot Top after one of his many workouts. What the hell happened to him? Just how many steroids did he take? I've got a joke for youmuscle monkey. Knock knock- Lay off the weights you freak.

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Last post by maplesyruppancakes
Mon Jul 12, 2010 4:55 pm
CNN Changing Homepage to Facebook.com/cnn
Cable news leader CNN is rumored to be changing it's homepage from cnn.com to facebook.com/cnn. The move is being made in an attempt to make CNN more accessible and to drive up the number of comments on each article. While facebook.com/cnn will simply redirect to cnn.com, CNN'a senior management believes that the move would increase traffic by 35%. Although the move might seem outrageous many believe that it will dramatically increase news reports "Shared" by users. Currently the average CNN.com story is shared by 16,000 people.

IT Industry insiders are watching the move closely as CNN.com has been a trendsetter in many other aspects of social media. CNN was the first company to make an iPhone app that was a must-have. They were the first to use the facebook OpenGraph standards in a meaningful way. If successful many companies are expected to move to facebook.com redirection- imagine your local newspaper on Facebook. With their location and localization features, some newspapers may actually be able to generate revenue from the web again.
Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg would neither confirm or deny the rumors.

As for Facebook's loyal users? They are expected to "Like" this.

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Last post by yacnexau2
Sun May 13, 2012 8:38 am
KGB Really Just Some Fat Guy Using Google
Despite their ads showing attractive agents answering mind numbibng questions the only staff member of pay-to-answer question service KGB is a 34 year old 450lb fat guy using google. Between sips of his Taco Bell fountain drink Keshawn Dwaye Johnston explained how he does his job: "I take the questions that people ask, type them into google, and then translate the answer to 140 characters using 140it.com." He then licked Cheetos residue from his fingers and texted back the answer "42" to someone asking "What is the meaning of life?"

Johnston clarified that most questions are answered automatically- he only answers questions which KDB's software cannot answer. "People ask all kinds of stupid shit. Last week one person asked "How many licks to the center of a Tootsie Pop?" Why would someone pay $2.00 to ask this? Who knows?" The answer texted back, by the way was "twhoo."

KGB is expected to make $50M this year. If you've got a question you can text KGB to get an answer for just $1.99. What's their number- look that shit up on google man!

KGB Headquarters. This man makes more than $100,000 a day. If you have kids- they have texted this guy once. Probably to find out something really stupid like "How do you keep a Rhino from charging?"

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Last post by artrerts135
Thu May 17, 2012 9:47 am
BP Completes Entry Into Axis of Evil By Freeing Terrorist
BP completed the grueling initiation process to become a full fledged member of the Axis of Evil today. The last initiation rite- to free a terrorist was confirmed complete with their help in releasing convicted Pan Am Flight 103 bomber Abdelbaset al Megrahi. Pressed by British PM Gordan Brown as to what possible gain would justify such an unconscionable act- BP responded in a single line press release stating "Damn it feels good to be a gangsta."

BP had endured other initiation rites- including a beat down, having to starting two international incident, a secret ceremony known only as "the spanking of the swollen ass", flashing their headlights at a stranger following them home and then slashing their tires, having to pick up a cherry using their ass cheeks, and being featured on the History Channel's Gangland.

BP CEO Tony Hawyard plans to celebrate by spray painting the BP logo on the White House and the British Parliament. Earlier today he was spotted scaling Big Ben taking a swig of a 40oz, firing his Glock into the air while screaming for the world to: "Kiss my arse!"

All BP employees will now be required by HR to flash this gang sign at each other and at other Petroleum companies.

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Last post by fakequasar
Wed Jul 14, 2010 12:43 am
Stories on Dreams to Serve as News / Marketing for Inception
Several media outlets feature reports on covering dreams and dream analysis to promote the new movie Inception, and as part of their desperate attempt to fill up time and cram more fake news down America's collective newshole. Stories will feature a pretty reporter talking to a nerdy research scientists about their dreams and the fact that no one gets enough sleep. If we're lucky maybe they'll feature a shot of the reporter in a negligee.

Also included will be the star of the movie Leonardo DiCaprio talking about his dreams at a press junket followed by shots of Inception and speculation by the reporter on whether we will ever be able to travel inside a dream. This ludicrous idea will be shot down by the scientist as ludicrous at which point the reporter will turn to camera and say "looks like they've still got a ways to go" before tossing back to the anchor.

At this point the anchor(s) of the news program will go on about their dreams before announcing when Inception will be in theaters. We are all hoping to hear CNN's Rich Sanchez narrate his reoccurring dream of being tazed repeatedly by a drunk Anderson Cooper in a bear costume.

Coming up- this reporter- wants to tell you about her dreams.

Leonardo DiCaprio is not interested in talking about his dreams but will dance like the good monkey that he is.

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Last post by fakequasar
Thu Jul 15, 2010 11:58 pm
US Falling Behind in XBOX Skillz
The US continues it's slow slide to obscurity by once again falling behind in even the laziest of recreational activities. US gamers like XBOXLive User MC Enchilda continue getting powned in games that were developed right here in the US of A.

Let's face it normal Americans haven't been able to compete as international athletics the moment the Twinkie was developed. (Freaks like the Michael Phelps, and Shaq still can). All we've got left are the leisure activities and we've already lost many of them. The Ruskies, Brits, and even Canadians kicked our asses at drinking. South Koreans already Zerg rush(keekeekee)ed us to death on the PC. The Spainards have beaten us to a bloody pulp in afternoon naps. And the Japanese penchant for competitive eating is well documented with their Human Typhoon: Takeru Kobayashi.

This situation is a direct result of lack of parental involvement and the media's continued desire to showcase athletic ability as something to be desired instead of feared and mocked. Where are the parent's showing their 2 year-olds to hump the corpse of a fallen player, or to beat the hooker so you get your health restored and you get to keep your money? Why don't we have a show called Dance Dance Revolution With The Stars?

American teens and children- pick up those sticks, and start playing like your country's reputation depends on it. Because it does NEWB.

Let's face it- girls LOVE Xbox. If you want to get a girl, and God knows you do- you'd better start practicing. Right now there's a pale faced Briton out there and he's gonna win these girls over with his high pitched British accented call of "bloddy git-ass bitch wanker!" when he powns you in GRAW2 tonight.

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Last post by Gemma
Thu Jul 15, 2010 3:51 am
Glenn Beck's New Show: SEdition
Glenn Beck is expected to announce at the end of the week an upcoming 4 hour Special Edition of his show titled Glenn Beck's SEdition. On yesterday's The O'Riley Factor Beck spoke of the need for such a show. "Now is the time, the President is in crisis and what this country needs now is SEdition!" ejaculated Beck at O'Riley's question of "How do I know you are the greatest patriot America has ever seen?"

The special will consist of 4 hours of Beck standing in front of a podium reading a list of ways that Obama "tries to lecture us and tell us what we have to do to help him" followed by a list of actions everyday Americans can take to help Beck "take back the country."

The odd title of the show has raised eye brows. Oxford Scholar Gretchen Carlson's opening statement on Fox and Friends seemed to directly address the issue: "I looked up sedition on google and conserapedia, and evidently it means: to do the right thing and bring America back to the values of Hollingsworth Hound and Republican Jesus. Also it means to put Sarah Palin (blessings and peace be upon her) in the White House in 2011. I can't believe MSNBC and CNN are using a definition from the British Oxford Dictionary to slander our Dear Leader Glenn Beck. This is America folks- we speak English not British folks, I mean COMMMMMMMMMMMME ONNNNNNNNNN"

Beck's comment on the flap "I'm just your average potato shaped persoon that says crazy things on TV- I'm literally just a glass wall away from being that guy on the corner [of 5th and Broadway] that yells: Obama is destroying the country!" "But," he added, "I've got a fanbase that follows my every instructions" before tenting his fingers and mumbling to himself "excellent, excellent."

Beck said he hopes that SEdition will help to quiet the voices in his head.

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Last post by yanya5724
Fri May 18, 2012 2:30 pm
Olivia Munn Hired on Daily Show for Her Talent
Olvia Munn, The Daily Show's newest Asian corespondent was reportedly hired based on her talent as a writer and satirist. Munn used to cohost Attack of the Show on that abortion of a network that used to be ZD TV. Munn is said to be leaving the G4 network after finding it "degrading," "stupid," "just not really that good." Morgan Webb, who everyone actually respects will take back her roll as hottest person on the network followed as always closely by Adam "peach fuzz" Sessler.

Munn is most well known for the brilliant satirical skit in which she jumped into a giant vat of chocolate pudding in a bathing suit. You see the pudding represented the shit she is willing to wallow in to get hundreds of thousands of dollars.

Munn's many talents include- having a Hollywood career (much more than can be said about most readers of this article), getting a job on The Daily Show, "writing" a book with full color pictures a "fan sized" photo, somehow making 14 year old boys find a woman attractive, and appearing in costumes that always manage to show plenty of cleavage.

Aasif Mandvi the current Senior Asian correspondent is said to be very pleased about having another Asian on the show with whom to share math problems, and stories of bad driving and doing well in school. It's still cool to make jokes about the fact that she's Asian right?

Olivia Munn, seen here, doing the job she would have gotten if not for all the self promotion she's been doing will be featured as the Senior Olivia Munn correspondent, Oliva Munn, on The Daily Show with Olvia Munn.

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Last post by Jimmy
Thu Jul 15, 2010 3:46 am
Jason Bourne's Newest Enemy: High Fructose Corn Syrup
After a long delay actor-comedian Matt Damon will reprise his role as the rouge agent Jason Bourne in The Bourne Hyperglycemia! Playing along side Damon will be Hollywood's current fatass de jour Jonah Hill. The story, although not part of the award winning novels, picks up as Jason Bourne is leaving NYC and headed to a hideout deep in flyover country.

Sources say that although gone are the large buildings, packed roads, and interesting people and things to do of New York, DC, and Europe the movie will remain true to its roots and include explosive car chases and fierce silent struggles. Except in this movie, instead of a dramatic 15 minute struggle with an assassin, Bourne struggles to find the energy to get out of an easy chair after eating an entire McDonald's value meal. Also notably missing: Jason Bourne's trademark black wardrobe which has been replaced with Hawaiian shirts and loose fitting sweat shorts.

Hill is excited to be in a roll not originally offered to Seth Rogan, whom he looks like. He will play the CIA bureau chief for the MidWest, a short, fat, untalented jack-ass of a man/boy who some how ended up with a career.

Jason Borne disguised as an average Midwesterner on a Tuesday morning, uses a printed Google map to find CIA's Midwest headquarters in The Bourne Hyperglycemia

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Last post by Gemma
Thu Jul 15, 2010 3:55 am
Chase CEO Dimon Will Not Be Paying Overdraft Fees
Chase CEO Jamie Dimon announced to a teller at the Chase branch next to the RiteAid on 8th, that there was "no way" he was paying the $250 in overdraft fees on his Premier Plus checking account. Dimon said he was sure when he had at least $25 in birthday money when the charges were uncured last Saturday. "You are robbing me you're a thief!" Dimon is said to have yelled at the hapless teller.

The fees were incurred when Dimon bought gum, gas, and a Frappachino, and tickets to that new Predator movie. Unfortunately, he used his debit card on the day his pay check was deposited and due to Chase's policy of processing debits before credits, he was hit with multiple overdraft fees.

Even with the yelling, the teller informed him that she couldn't do anything, it was all handled by the central branch in NY, and anyway because the fees happened 4 days ago they couldn't be reversed. Dimon, then tried to appeal using by saying that his account was a WAMU account and that WAMU didn't charge fees, but by this point the manager of the bank had come by and told him that WAMU was bought by Chase, the fees were Chase policy and nothing could be done.

Dimon is said to have left the bank feeling cheated saying: "I would move my accounts to a smaller bank just out of spite but my direct deposit is already setup with those Chase assholes, and I'd have to talk to that fat bald bastard John in HR to change it. Screw it it's not worth the hassle."

After Dimon left the bank manager charged Dimon's account the standard $25.00 fee for talking to a Chase employee at a branch, as well as a $50.00 fee just for the hell of it. These fees caused Dimon's account to incur even an additional $300.00 in overdraft fees.

"Man screw those clowns- someday I'm gonna be rich and I'll make my own bank and it's gonna be as awesome as WAMU was and then I'm gonna fire every single Chase employee- they're all a bunch of thieves" said a teary eyed Dimon when asked to comment on the incident.

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Last post by angel185
Sat May 19, 2012 7:19 am
Boeing Picks Up Some Aerospace Engineers Outside Home Depot
Boeing will be using day Aerospace engineers it picked up outside the Home Depot to build the AirForce's new fuel tankers. The decision was made moments after Boeing was awarded the $35B contract. CEO Jim McNerney explains: "We're a PR company devoted 100% to winning government contracts- we don't know jack about designing planes. We used to have a team for that- but they didn't win a single contract last year so we let them go."

At a nearby HomeDepot MCNerney announced he needed 15 guys and that he was paying up to $10.00 an hour plus a McDonald's lunch everyday. When the engineers formed a circle to discuss the project McNerny recalls thinking "I hate it when they speak thier language- you never know if they're gonna screw you." Within 15 minutes 15 scrawny engineers designed a ramp and loaded themselves into the back of McNeary's pickup.

Upon getting to the office, the engineers began immediately. Boeing's staff was universally impressed saying, for example, "normal people would take a week or two to settle into the job."

As McNerney was leaving work at 3:30 the only engineer capable of speaking normal English asked if the crew could work past 5, offering that they wouldn't charge overtime, but would simply charge the number of hours they worked. McNerney begrudgingly accepted. Outside the office a beaming McNerney exclaimed "can you believe that- we're required to pay overtime- but they waived their right! God Damn! You can't do much better than engineers from outside the HomeDepot! I wonder if they have lobbyists out there?"

Boeing is expecting to post a net profit of $34.995B this year.

The Areospace engineers stand outside the Home Depot designing a solar/electric/gas hybrid propulsion system to pass the time between jobs.

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Last post by nams
Fri Jan 07, 2011 2:41 pm
Clean Coal Technology Doesn't Work
Clean coal technology doesn't work reports local orphans working as coal miners. 8 year old Jim Massey, an orphan adopted by coal mining conglomerate Massey Energy, explains: "Please sir- don't you understand you can't burn this dirty rock without getting dirty smoke!"

Normal Everyday God Fearing Americans for Freedom and Liberty (a coal mining advocacy group) spokesperson Jim McCay responded- "look that orphan's not a research scientist is he? I've got a stack of reports from people with PhDs that have devoted their lives to proving clean coal works! Now who do you think knows better?"

Senate Republicans are expected to insert wording into this years budget which would make saying "clean coal doesn't work" an instant one way ticket to Guantanamo Bay. Democrats might try to stop it- but they're reallllly super busy fighting amongst themselves about if the majority of wind power should be generated off shore or in the plains.

Jim Massey says he would one day like to see grass. Author's note- this picture was originally in color but as per Massey Energy's security standards all pictures of Massey Energy assets must be in black and white - for national security reasons.

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6 Posts

Last post by vqyglcciww
Fri Apr 13, 2012 7:58 am
Britain Considers Reopening of Debtors Prisons
This is now real in the US. Here's a link from 3/17/11 about a US based debtors prision. The last line is chilling. "In Jail for being in debt"-RumorMiller

Britain maybe reinstating debtor's prisons over the objections of British PM David Cameron. Presented with the idea of allowing Britons to serve time in a jail during a clamorous Question Time, Cameron loudly decried the move by the Labour party as nothing but "an appeasement to the basest senses among us!" "As Britons," he declared, "we have an obligation to make people pay their debts not allow them to walk free!"

Cameron's apprehensions echo those of the House of Lords which lauds yet another freebie while the rest of the country faces strict austerity measures including restrictions on the purchase of caver and limitations on multiple Ferrari purchases. "I can't buy my customary 3 Ferrari's- and meanwhile Nigel Schmo who can't pay for his Ford gets a free house!?" wrote Count Sir Steven M Brimwuald III Duke of Caviler King Charles Spanielham in an opinion piece to the the tabloid London Post.

The average British citizen supports the move. A London fish merchant offered this assessment: "You're tell me I can keep me car, em flat, and me big screen tele- and all I have to do is spend some time in nick? I would have done it anyway what with the horrendous alcoholism what what?

The proposed prisons are located 27 hogsheads from Hamptonshirewarts and are scheduled to will be open in three fortnights.

His Royal Highness The Lord Arch Duke Brown of American Pit Bullshireham (left) outside one of the proposed debtors prisons with pamphlets outlining his alternative to the the proposed measures: "let these peasants live upon my land and work off their debt to me by farming. "The physical labour will do them good and teach them that hard work is the answer to life's problems."

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Last post by Internet_ToughGuy
Wed Jul 28, 2010 1:48 am
Piers Morgan Is The Cooler More Unattractive Tony Hayward
In a tale that seems like it's straight out of Bridget Jone's Diary America has discovered television personality Piers Morgan is essentially the laid back, fatter, more popular version of former BP CEO Tony Hayward. Personally like most American's I can't wait until Morgan fights Hayward for America's honour and Hayward gets punched in the face and thrown out of a plate glass window.

America first met Morgan during that Christmas party when was wearing that HIDEOUS clown sweater. To top that off he was the editor for that rag The Daily Mirror. That guy was a loser.

At the same time America was having a fling with Hayward and his company BP. He even to took America to ANWAR! Sure he made America feel stupid by rewriting the safety regulations that America had worked so hard on. But he knew what was best ok? Besides America liked him!

Then as America got to know Morgan- his attempts at being a mean judge a la Simon Cowell came off as cute and kind of charming. Also he liked America "just as she was". He even liked all the stupid things America did like quick change, that frisbee dog thing, making blue soup, and causing a global economic crisis.

Around the same time America caught Hayward with his pants down in the Gulf with that slut Haliburton. Hayward tried to charm America back and even feigned interest at a cleanup of his own mess. But he just came off as an arrogant, uncaring asshole.

That's when America knew it had to follow it's heart with Morgan.

America is in love with Colin Firth, I mean Piers Morgan.

The asshole who treated America so wrong- BP CEO Tony Hayward.

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Last post by 5ibroadway
Tue May 01, 2012 9:51 pm
God Apologizes for Platypus, Fred Phelps
In the annual deliverance of stone tablets God apologized for the duck billed egg laying mammal today. "It is an affront to me, and my Laws of Evolution that such a bizarre creature should roam my second greatest work" God declared with a Thunderous voice. "I was experimenting with the laws of evolution and things got out of hand- I guess I just kind of said screw it- that's good enough." God clarified: "I'm the one who screwed up on the Platypus- but I'm proud of everything they've done and what they've become!"

In a surprise move God also apologized for Fred Phelps. "Look My Laws of Random Mutation make the population of all species fall randomly on the sexual preference spectrum. Heck- there's at least 14 bi Platypuses in the state of Arizona. So who knew that making this one guy gay would create so many problems for everyone." CNN's Rich Sanchez blurted out the lone question of the no-questions event "What were you thinking would happen?" To which God replied: "To be honest, my assumption was that he'd just be a backdoor gay like all those Republican congressmen." God added "heh- no pun intended."

Fred Phelps protested the event with "God hates God" signs.

Phelps released no comment but did announce he will go to Australia to protest the Platypus and "teh Gehys"

The King of All Platypuses made his reaction to Phelps all too clear: saying in a squeaky, quacking voice "At least we are soft and cuddly and we love ourselves and don't bother anyone."

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Last post by haha
Fri Jul 30, 2010 5:46 am
Young Americans View Boomers as A Threat
Most Americans born between 1940 and 1965 identify themselves as Boomers.

Today's Millennial generation identifies Boomers as characters from the video game "Left 4 Dead" the fourth sequel to the popular Nintendo game. 19 year old Aaryn McGee explains: "A Boomer is a zombie that spits bile, and eats us and all of our resources with little or no thought. Evidently they used to be human but after years of getting to eat and basically do what they wanted they've become mere shells. It's up to me and all my [15-35 year old] friends to stop them from taking over the world!"

Aaryn continued: "As soon as I hear the hacking, coughing and slow waddling I know one of those disgusting fat bastards is walking towards me. No matter what happens next I almost always end up covered in their bile."

Aaryn's grandfather explained what happened next: "I did what Aaryn's parents should have done a long time ago- I sat him down and explained to him how he had ruined the country by electing that black fellow. This made him late for his "job" where he sits in front of a computer and enters data (what kind of work is that?) and he got fired by his Chinamen boss. At least now I bet he won't have time to play his video games."

Typical Boomer. [sigh]. Probably on his way to drive his gas guzzling RV to the Country Kitchen Buffet at 5pm.

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Last post by Gemma
Sun Aug 01, 2010 3:10 pm
E's Newest Show Follows Misadventures of a Homeless Guy
E! Entertainment Network has dropped the bar for entertainment worthy of television with it's newest show Homeless Hobo in Hollywood with David Pascal. The show will follow the drunken, meth induced hijinks of Hollywood Hobo and Vietnam War Veteran David Pascal. E! Networks spokes-midget Ryan Seacrest (who is also executive producer of HHH) explains: "E! transformed the the Kardashians into celebrities and we made a lot of money. Now we are going to make a non-rich crazy person famous."

The star of the show has already been invovled in several incidents. Mr Pascal was accosted by paparazzi outside of his cardboard box. He also got a ticket for openly masturbating in public but the police office let him off with a warning in exchange for a picture with him. His latest incident, in which he was caught breaking into Bruce Jenner's house and stealing a laptop has drawn criticism for being obviously staged as promotion for the show. David Pascal responded to the accusations by making a hat out of newspaper, screaming at a car to "give it back" and urinating on himself.

The show will debut next Sunday after that show with the slutty rich girl.

In this publicity shot David Pascal sips a Busch beer while questioning passerbyers on if they see the camera taping him.

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Last post by Gemma
Sun Aug 01, 2010 3:05 pm
White Americans Enraged Over EZ Cracker
Listen to this rumor
The White-American population is growing increasingly outraged at the racially insensitive naming of an as-seen-on-tv product. The product in question- the EZ-Cracker, is a device meant to help crack open eggs. Outspoken white activist Reverend Newt Gingrich eviscerated the product proclaiming: "In 2010 it's unacceptable for any company to use such racially divisive words! What's worse is that it's such a stupid product- do they really think that White-Americans can't crack eggs!?"
(continued below)

White Americans are not only offended at the terminology but also the perceived tenor of the product's name. White-American Studies Professor and noted classical music guru Curtis James Jackson III explains: "For most people the words EZ Cracker mean nothing. But White Americans hear easy cracker, which could be perceived as the product asking the White-American to "calm down". This is a call back to the rhetoric of the 60s, 70s, 80s, 90s, and 00s when White-Americans were portrayed in film as hot headed, cocaine fueled wild men. Alternatively, the product's name reminds us of the misrepresentation that White-American women have little inhibition when it comes to sexual congress. This is patently false, unless, of course apple-tinis are involved. Again- while this might not be offensive for most of us it strikes a nerve with our White-American brethren."

Tea Party Activists have already hosted protests against the product. In one Cleveland, Ohio area March, a man with a Stinger missile tube on his back held up a sign proclaiming "Don't Separate the Whites! Ban EZ Cracker!" Another protester at a Decatur, Alabama rally clutched sign reading "This is no Yolk! Death to EZ Cracker!" as an EZ Cracker hung from a noose tied around the front of his HoverRound mobility device.

Attorney General Eric Holder added fuel to the furor when he jokingly answered a protester's shout of, "How much money do you think we'll get when you press hate-crime charges [against EZ Cracker]" with "I wouldn't count your omelets before you crack your eggs, honky!"

The President has yet to weigh in on the matter, but many have speculated he might host an "omelet summit" with Joe Biden and Carrot Top (the newly elected King of All Gingers).

The EZ Cracker. Rumors suggest its manufacturer will halt the product's commercials in response to the controversy and focus instead on their new bean preparation device, the EZ Beaner.

White-American Studies Professor and noted classical music guru Curtis James Jackson III explains to Jimmy Kimmel why the EZ Cracker has not raised anger outside the white community: "Simple economics, you see It's all the Power of the Dollar".

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Last post by ange0ske
Mon May 14, 2012 12:41 pm
UK to Bailout Gringotts Bank
British PM David Cameron is expected to announce a £150B bailout for the Wizarding World's Gringotts Bank next week. The bank is said to be on the verge of defaulting on loans to the Ministry of Magic (MoM).

Ineffective leadership at the Ministry of Magic is widely held as the cause of the crisis. International Analyst Fareed Zakaria clarified in a brilliant essay in NewsWeek: "MoM were fighting an unfunded war against the an enemy they refused to name. In the end, with some of the best characters inexplicably killed "He Who Shall Not Be Named" was never confirmed captured or killed, for all we know he's still wanders the Forbidden Forest. The war was just an excuse to fund a gargantuan MoM's projects like determining the function of a rubber duck. One might think that this magical government wouldn't waste money but remember this is the same government with such out of control spending they built a castle to house a public school."

The Goblins that run Gringotts have put into place many measures which will keep the bank from defaulting, including extra dragons, magical enchantments, and quadrupling investments in the Muggle derivatives market.

Fareed Zakaria explains to Jon Daily of "The Daily Show" that just because they have magical abilities it doesn't make the Wizards any smarter than Muggles. "John they have a spell that literally translates to 'FIX EYE' but it doesn't fix your eye, it fixes your glasses!"

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Last post by Gemma
Sun Aug 01, 2010 3:08 pm
The Bible Was Written on A Dare
God announced, as many had suspected, the whole concept of a Divine Bible was the result of a bet made between God, L. Ron Hubbard, and JRR Tolkien. God explained: "We all tried our best to create a work on which ordinary folks could lead their lives. The person with the most good living people would get 60 heaven dollars (we each chipped in 20). I figured I'd beat them both by traveling some 1900 years BEFORE we made our bet. There was this really awesome carpenter leading a model life so I wrote about him."

In response to CNN Crazy Person Rick Sanchez's question of "Did you win"? God's Divine Voice thundered: "I'm not really sure- Lot's of people do follow Christ and lead good lives, the Christian response to the crisis in Haiti showed everyone that, but "Scientology" signed Tom Cruise- have you ever seen "Cocktail?" That guy's awesome! Also any outrage at this article shows that people failed to "get" the central message of My Book. In the end I think Hubbard and I can both agree though that the Wikipedia page for "Lord of the Rings" is gigantic so I guess next time I'll try to make it more NerdCore like Tolks.

Tom Cruise in Cocktail. That does look pretty awesome.

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Last post by Gemma
Sun Aug 01, 2010 3:00 pm
Goldman Sachs Caused Gringott's Failure
Appearing before the US House of Representative CEO Of the Wizarding World's Central Bank, Giversh III pointed the blame for failure of his bank at Goldman Sachs. Internal Goblin powerpoints revealed the Muggle corporation (Goldman Sachs)'s involvement likely caused the financial crisis plaguing the Wizarding World's.

Gringott's partnership with Goldman produced the infamous Squib Special, a mortgage contract that would slowly transmogrify into a hippogryph that would eat all the food in the house, claim the largest couch as it's own, and nags the homeowner about paying increasing monthly payments.

Goldman also played a part in creation and marketing of a the Screaming Meany. The agreement would loan up to 14 high interest house elves, but a troll would follow the primary loan holder and yell insults such as: "Your mother was a hamster" , "You smell of bananas", "Your internet comments are not witty."

Goldman CEO Lloyd Blankfein argued that his Bank merely advised the Goblins and that it was the Goblin's refusal to move off the gold standard that caused the crisis. He also said Gringott's failure had nothing to do with his recent announcement that year's Goldman bonus would be paid in Galleons, and that most Goldman executives would be receiving complimentary house elves.

Gringotts' CEO Giversh III pointed the blame for his Bank's near collapse at Goldman Sachs.

Goldman CEO Lloyd Blankfein defended his firm. He arrived flanked by an entourage of 25 house elves all dressed in Goldman Sachs branded pillow cases.

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Last post by Dorothy, Tinman, & Lion
Sat Jul 31, 2010 4:59 am
Anthony Bourdain Loves Vegetarian Food
This is an opinion article. As per recent suggestions I'll be including a designator on opinion articles.- RumorMiller

I recently saw Bourdain's travels to India and I realized something: This guy loves vegetarian food.

If you've never seen the show, host Bourdain (who is NJ born and lives in Manhattan (so that should tell you about his general attitude )) travels around the world sampling local fare. In many episodes he states outright that he HATES vegetarian food on nearly every episode.

In his latest episode he traveled the South Indian city of Karela. One of his hosts took him to a tea shop. He initially lamented the fact that the food was vegetarian. But upon eating he loved it! (for the newly initiated this isn't a Giada de Laurentiis- i have an orgasm when i eat anything show- there are many episodes where he flat out tells his host that the food is terrible). In another segment he had dinner at a private party. Again- it was all vegetarian and he loved it!

So why all the smack about vegetarian food? After all he does live in NYC and they have good vegetarian restaurants right? WRONG. NYC has the WORST vegetarian food EVER! The WORST. Eating at a vegetarian restaurant in NYC isn't about the meal. It's about being hip and cool. I've been to two vegetarian restaurant in NYC and the food was JUST terrible. Don't get me wrong virtually all restaurants in NYC have vegetarian dishes and most are good. But the problem is that those restaurants catering exclusively to vegetarians are just terrible. The people who visit this type of place are just terrible. They would love to talk to you for HOURS about how they are vegetarian. They look like the douche bags you see in StarBucks working on their novel on their Macbooks or IPads.

My advice to Borudain- quite your bitching and go to Edison. Eat something at Dosa Hut, or Dosa Express. Chances are it will be even tastier than what he had in India.

One final note- if you're ever in India- be sure to sample a street dosa vendor. It'll cost you 5 rupees (that's about 10 cents. You will love it for sure! As for Bourdain- try the street fare in Bombay. Your mouth will explode.

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Last post by 5ibroadway
Tue May 01, 2012 9:57 pm
Bizarre Foods New Name: Fat Guy Eats Everything in Sight
Listen to this rumor

The Travel Channel announced that they will be renaming Bizarre Foods With Andrew Zimmern to Fat Guy Eats Everything in Sight. The show centers around the host seeing something that does not resemble food and then eating it. The content will remain unchanged which should please the show's wide fan base: bulimic too scared to make themselves vomit, dogs who watch the show because their owners left them alone with it on, and Joe Rogan (who gets off on seeing people eat disgusting foods).

Producers got the idea after they noticed that locals called Zimmern the fat guy who ate everything, the man of a thousand mouths, or just fat bald asshole who eats anything you put in front of him. African villager Kulshsafkj !Sahskt exclaimed to a producer: "Holy crap! He ate a donkey penis! We gave it to him as a joke! I bet we could get him to eat the testicles too! He's like a Flintstones style garbage disposal!" before hurrying off to share his idea with others villagers.

Zimmern commented on the name change recently saying "Well I am a giant fat-ass." Adding: "You gonna eat that?" (There was no food present.)

The host takes some time off to take pictures with fans. Hey what's up with Asians always making the peace sign in pictures?

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Last post by jinijin9927
Sat May 19, 2012 1:14 pm
Pitbull Wants to Bite Your Face Because It Loves You
That pitbull puppy staring at you from behind the wire fence on the corner house you pass every morning wants to bite your face. The ~2 month old American Bull Terrier named "Denny Crane-Adama" is a well-adjusted, well-cared for dog that enjoys napping and car rides. During a three part interview with the dog, CNN's Rick Sanchez asked him to clarify his selection of you as an intended target. "Bcoz I lovf him. To show him I will bite his fase" the pup squeaked in a slightly Hispanic accent despite his Irish/Tauron name.

The dog also revealed that he had practiced biting you by visualizing your face on a toy rabbit it eviscerated. "I saw hes fase on my bunny and I bited it until it came of" squealed the pup while holding the tattered remains of pelt with small pieces of white fluff still attached. The only thing keeping the dog from carrying out it's master plan is that you always pass the dog late enough in the morning that it is sleepy. "After I eet I feel sleepy. But is ok bcoz I will bite your face in my dreams."

Dog expert Ginger Trainer urged you not to be afraid of the dog and reminding you that the Pomeranian down the street wants to both bite your face and hump your leg. The Pomeranian will likely do both next week when you stop to tie your shoe outside what you assume is an invisible fence but is actually just a flag indicating the indented placement of sprinklers.

As his owners twirl Denny Crane-Adama around he longingly thinkis of your face and how much he would love to bite it.

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Last post by maplesyruppancakes
Mon Aug 02, 2010 5:33 pm
LA Gang Violence Escalates to Dance Competition
Police began posting notices across LA today, warning residents of an impending turf war between LA gangs. The notices warn: "Gangs are amassing stock piles of matching loose fitting clothing. The current lack of violence is due to nightly dance practice. Exercise caution when approaching anyone with a boom-box." Police have asked the city for an additional $67 million to counter the threat with a new helicopter, unmanned drones, and an undercover dance squad lead by an gay former Broadway dancer turned cop who just wanted a desk job.

Despite the warnings gang related dance incidents continue being reported. One such call foreshadows the bitter battle likely to consume all of LA: "It is ON!" screams a voice in the background before being drowned out by a thumping beat as a crying woman pleads "Help!- They putting on [Justin] Bieber!" By the time police officers arrived one gang's bodies lay in the street, motionless with shame. The official police report coincides: "Victims had been thoroughly served with precision and skill possibly by professionals from Broadway."

The impending turf war will likely come down to two dance squads. Although the rich suburban team has flashier clothing and professional trainers- the much poorer LA squad has heart, a through understanding of AP calculus, and a secret weapon: a classically trained suburban white kid who loves to dance but doesn't know anything about street dancing.

Residents are urged to call the police immediately upon seeing crowd gathering around any flat surface, or if they see any professional riggers assembling a stage, lights, speakers, and stands.

In this undercover image a gang initiates a new member with a Gilbert and Sullivan number remixed with Outcasts's Tonight ('s Gonna Be A Good Night). The initiation was described as "Thrilling" "Rousing" and "A good time" by Playbill.

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Last post by Gemma
Wed Aug 04, 2010 3:18 pm
Washington Undecided on Response to Alien Invasion
Senate Democrats announced they would be unable to pass legislation to counteract the impending Alien Invasion before their recess. Pundits on the left declare the invasion imminent citing numerous alien spacecraft dropping millions of fliers on major cities around the world with the message "We are invading in 30 Earth days- surrender or be destroyed" in multiple languages. Right wing talk show host and professional fat dumbass Rush Limbaugh meanwhile continues leading the charge that "this phony baloney invasion theory is just a theory! This wouldn't have happend under Bush! Obama is too soft on terror! This legislation is just a back door to a government run Army, relocation camps, and ACORN!"

House Democrats are furious with Democratic holdouts Dennis Kucinich (D-OH), Senator Bernie Sanders (S-VT) and Senator Dick Durbin (D-IL). All three holdouts claim the plan doesn't go far enough. Kucinich explained: "Sure our nukes will blow them up- but then what? How will we house their survivors? How will we pay for their health care when we don't know anything about them, and we still don't have universal health care?"

Republicans continued their threat to filibuster. Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell repeated on the steps of the capital the Republican pledge to stop the "unchecked expansion of government" as will as his charge that Republicans have been left out of the process of drafting the legislation. He did announce an alternative plan which called for tax cuts for the upper 10% of the US population. "The start of an invasion is no time for our hardest workers to worry about how to pay next year's taxes" explained McConnell.

In response to charges that the Republicans are posturing to ensure Obama looks bad by the midterm elections/invasion McConnell replied "The Democrats control the House, the Senate, and the Presidency, if they wanted to they could pass this legislation."

President Obama will call a White House Press Conference later this week and is expected to reaffirm his pledge that stopping the invasion is his top priority and to "strongly encourage" the Senate to pass the bill within 6 months of returning from recess.

The invading aliens have not yet issued an response because their "invasion protocols do not have defined the case in which the dominant government on the host planet struggles to do the tiniest thing."

Obama responding to the Senate's decision to post-pone the legislation until after the upcoming month long recess. "Alien leader Kgj!#sj The Mighty won't be taking a recess. What about Kim Nuenderf, or Skip Wheeler, or Daniel Morgan? When their farms are seized what are they supposed to do? I call on the Senate leaders to work out their differences in the next 6 months. This simply cannot wait."

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Last post by maplesyruppancakces
Wed Aug 04, 2010 3:27 pm
INCEPTION2
Inception is headed for sequeltown!

Title: Inception 2: Reception

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No posts
Fox News: New Face of Mainstream MSM Librul Media
Friends- I have disturbing news. Fox News is becoming a part of the Libreal media. As a once loyal Fox News viewer I'm sad but not dissapointed to report it. Don't believe me?

They apologized to Shirley Sherrod! Shirley Sherrod is a racist! She said she'd help black farmers more than white farmers. This kind of attitude has no place in America. If she wasn't a racist she would have said so on Fox. Unless she came on Fox and apologized for being a racist Fox should nto have apologized to her! This is just Fox cowtowing to the Obama administration.

Fox don't sponsor the Tea Party anymore. I can't help but think Fox doesn't liek us Tea Baggers because we are telling the trooth about their Kenyan president. Shame on you Fox. You know this reminds me of how Judas got sponsored by the Romans and then they killed him. Fox news- don't be like the romans- give us teh sponsorhip we deserve!

Also Fox just got the front seat at the white house press room. Now It's been awhile since I dropped out of high school but I remember only the teacher's pet sat in the front. Is there any wonder that Fox got the seat by agreeing to stop telling the trooth about Obama. Fox spent the entire weekend covering a CLINTON WEDDING but didn't say anything about how Obama was meeting with Osama Bin Laden to force all of us to use single ply toilet paper. Why won't you report on that FOX? You used to be Fair and Balanced but all I see now is a Librul netrowk in sheeps' clothing.

I think it's high time we Patriots up and left Fox and made our own station. The Peoples Original Reporting Network. I think there would be lots of people interested in seeing kittens instead of watching Fox. I can see it now- all my fellow blogger patriots can sit in thier basements and watch kittens all day all the while blogging about how that Obamy is ruining the country.

AMERICA!

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Last post by ange6yke
Sat May 19, 2012 6:18 am
US Army Runs Out of Vespene Gas (Updated)
RumorMiller:45 people asked me to post this at the begining of the article so:
Jim_Raynor: YOU SEE KIDS Gas represents Political Will to go on with the war!
Just when the American public thought the Army was making headway in Afghanistan, Defense Secretary Robert Gates reported that "What the hell?! We ran out of Vespene gas again? Goddamn it! How much fracking gas does it take to win a counterinsurgency!" Including this most recent incident this will trigger the Army's 1443 gas finding expedition. In response to questions about how the war effort was going Gates replied: "How the frack do you think it's going? Instead of fighting a war I have to spend all my time finding this fracking gas!"

The gas finding expedition is expected to take 5-10 days but will seem like it takes like forever.

Reports from the Taliban indicate that the Taliban isn't having resource constraints but continues rushing American outposts with it's most basic units. The untrained fighters are essentially performing suicide missions seldom but do occasionally result in American casualties. Taliban Leader Mullah Muhamed Omar released a tape to the Al Jezzera network touting the successful strategy proclaiming: "Ke ke ke."

Vespene Gas: We Need More Of It

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Last post by Jim_Raynor
Thu Aug 05, 2010 12:54 am
CNN's Paul Begala Misses the Point on Equal Time for Science Issues
This is an opinion article.- RumorMiller

Is the moon made of cheese or rock? CNN Contributor Paul Begala confirmed on last night's Anderson Cooper360 that prior to Niel Armstrong's moon landing he and the general American population gave equal credence to the "opposing views" of the moon's substance. In an equal display of ass-hattery Mr Begala also claimed the media does a good job and should continue to present both sides of every issue. (quote below)

Mr Begala made both claims in his analysis of why birthers continue to doubt Obama's birthplace. (Transcript (Search for "PAUL BEGALA" ) or look at the bottom of this article). Begala claimed the media's biggest problem is that the media never takes the time to contact the person who can settle an issue. We could all be certain the moon was made of rock, all we'd have to do is contact Niel Armstrong because he's been there. Begala actually MISSED the bigger problem: the media gives credence to both sides of the story even when one side deserves only scorn and laughter. Using his example- a scientist who's devoted his career to the subject is equally as smart as some jack-ass with an 8th grade education who's done no scientific research EVER. This idea is both stupid and dangerous. Opposing viewpoints belong in science not the media.

What's next an entire encyclopedia with conservative views on everything? Link to Conservapedia

Opposing Viewpoint

Paul Begala is a hero! He's finally showcasing the lies and distortion that Nasa scientists want you to believe. The Cheeser movement will not stop until every ounce of the moon has been harvested for it's delicious cheesy goodness. How dare NASA say we aren't right. They BELIEVE the moon is made of rock when they haven't even been there. Well guess what Cheesers believe the moon is made of cheese- and we believe just as strongly as NASA scientists.

We Cheesers believe the documentary film Grand Day Out prooves that the moon is made of cheese. Grand Day Out was made more recently than the fictional "Apollo Moon Landings" so it's obviously more scientifically accurate.

PAUL BEGALA wrote:And what frustrates me sometimes in the media is what I call the "Neil Armstrong effect". One person says, the moon is made of green cheese and we had somebody else on from NASA who said, no actually it's made of rock. Somebody needs to call Neil Armstrong. You've been there. Is it a rock or is it green cheese? We've looked at it, the media has, and of course, the Republican Governor of Hawaii has looked at the man's birth certificate. He was born in Hawaii.

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Last post by maplesyruppancakes
Thu Aug 05, 2010 4:02 pm
Ford's Reputation Breaks Down After 3 Year Mark
Ford's reputation for producing high quality vehicles broke down right on schedule, just after the warranty epired. Sources say stock holders are in denial and claim "all companies break down in 3 years."

The breakdown occurred just when Ford's reputation was needed most. "I was driving on Hwy 31 to drop off my sister to the airport and then BANG! all the lights came on and that POS broke on me" one stock holder was quoted as saying. After towing to a Ford dealer it was determined that the reputation would require extensive repairs and parts. "Yeah the 07s always break, most were made in China and Mexico you know. Won't be cheap to fix I can tell you that" dealer mechanic Dwayne Robinson explained to our bewildered stock holder.

Ford defended it's reputation saying in a press statement "Americans are jackasses that will buy whatever trash we put in front of them. We could work on making a higher quality product but why bother? You don't spend hours making a 3 course meal for a pig who'll eat slop amirite?"

Ford- we don't know what the frack we're doing. But we make money so who cares bitch? Alternativley- Ford- the dirtiest job Mike Rowe has ever done.

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Last post by 5ibroadway
Mon Apr 30, 2012 5:16 am
To Our Biggest Fan Fark User Quasar
We at rumormiller.com would like to take a minute to thank Fark user Quasar. Without your unending support we would not have continued our nobel quest to bring the stories you find "hilarious", "uplifting", "brilliant satire", and "a great start to my morning!"

Quasar, you are the model of a devoted fan. Thanks for the a nearly unending stream of compliments, submissions to fark.com, and surprisingly good fan fiction involving our contributor's Lindsay and internet_toughguy as buddy cops. And to answer your question, yes feel free to submit it to the studio we won't sue you.

One last thing- we've received your requests and will write a rumor about a TotalFarker who enjoys photography, fine dining, Fark.com, and of course, spending countless hours on his favorite rumor site:rumormiller.com.

On a side note- thanks also to Fark.com- your headlines help us make it through day after day of frankly, really depressing news.

Rumormiller and Quasar, a match made in heaven, nothing funny about that.

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Last post by maplesyruppancakes
Fri Aug 06, 2010 6:38 pm
Colonel William Guile Shot Down
The Air Force's Colonel William Guile was shot down in the Korengal Valley region of Afghanistan today. The wreckage of his F-16 but was missing an ejection seat leading to wide speculation that he survived and has been kicking ass.

Colonel Guile became a media sensation during his 3 year quest for revenge on General M. Bison for the murder of his friend Charlie. Despite the drop in his public image when, for some reason, his quest included a stop China and India to beat up a school girl and a frail religious man, Guile captured the hearts of a nation as he brought down the legendary gay Russian bear wrestler Zangief.without tussling his blond crew cut.

His commanding officer remains hopeful and points out Guile will likely persevere, even if captured- "If he's alive I'm sure Guile will give his captors hell. Knowing him he'll probably just crouch in a corner just out of reach then flash kick or sonic boom them when they get close- the cheap son-of-a-btich!"

His arch rival, now a retired gay Russian baker when asked to comment about Guile's chances against the insurgents, laughed saying: "HA HA HA! Next time we meet, I'm gonna break his arms!"

Artists depiction of the 210lbs of terror any insurgents combing the wreckage of Colonel Guile's F-16 would have encountered.

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Last post by 5ibroadway
Sun May 06, 2012 3:08 pm
Cornyn: Repeal of Prop 8 Will Lead To Marrying Turtles, Sexy, Sexy Turtles
GOP Senator John Cornyn (R - TX) warned that the "activist" ruling by the California Supreme Court would lead to the human-turtle marriages. "We all know the only thing keeping all men straight, is Christ's teachings, and the only thing keeping man from marrying box turtles is the Law. With this activist ruling in California, it's only a matter of time before men to satisfy our insatiable appetite for box."

Democratic representative Dennis Kucinch, blasted against Bunting saying "Why would you want to marry a turtle when you have a hot wife that is unusually hotter than you are!?"

Cornyn continued his campaign against the repeal of Prop 8 with a presentation to the Senate showing several pictures of men kissing and then a picture of a loggerhead turtle. Pointing at the turtle's outer shell he ejaculated "look at those costal scutes!" Tracing the outer shell with his finger Cornyn continued "No one in this chamber isn't getting a little turned on by the perfect proportion of his thick,smooth, rounded nuchal scutes! I tell ya' as soon as teh gheys are allowed to marry it's no secret that all the closeted turtle lovers, "Shellies" as they call themselves, will descend on Panama City's beaches between late May and early June to see the TILF's lay their eggs."

After several minutes of describing turtle anatomy a visibly sweaty red-faced Cornyn abruptly ended his speech on a slide of a gay couple wrapped in the American flag side by side with a picture of two "lipstick" turtles kissing. Before rushing out Cornyn addressed the President of the Senate: "Mr President I relinquish my time to the floor, if you need me I'll be in my bunk."

Cornyn closed his argument against repeal of Prop 8 with this slide: a loving couple surrounded by the flag of the country that let's them live the life as they choose and two turtles kissing.

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Last post by мото Big
Fri May 11, 2012 12:49 pm
New iPhone App A Hit With Food Stamp Users
The Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program (SNAP)(the new name for food stamps) announced the 1 millionth download of it's iPhone application: iSNAP. iSnap lets iPhone users apply for and use food stamps from their iPhone. iSNAP streamlines the application for food stamps from the traditional 15 page form to a single 15 screen iForm that can be filled out on the iPhone. Reviewers of the app testify to it's intuitiveness: "I was able to apply for food stamps while waiting in a long line at Starbucks."

The app also helps users select the types of foods to buy. Taken into any grocery store the app will show users what other iSNAP users bought so that they can buy the same items. "Now I don't have to wonder if I should buy wheat or white- iSNAP tells me other iSNAP users bought Hawaiian so I buy that too" writes one reviewer.

iSNAP's most popular feature remains it's budgeting feature. To encourage saving the app highlights items that can be cut from grocery lists without affecting the user's hip image. One reviewer wrote of the feature- "Before I had the iSnap I didn't realize how much money I was wasting on Fuji water- almost $80.00 a month! With the money I saved I'll be able to upgrade my 1 year old iPhone3 to an iPhone4!"

The app is sold on Apple's iStore for an iPrice of $15.00. A similar app is available for Android phones, but is not as popular. This is probably because the Android version can not run from a iPhone.

The iPhone. Is there anything this phone can't do (besides make clear calls- that's because of AT&T) (also besides use free software, Chairman Jobs has already declared Free is Bad, Paid Good) (also last a day without a recharge- because what kind of tool isn't close to a computer at all times). Well it certainly can't help write good satire on a Saturday morning that's for sure...bleh.

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Last post by artrerts697
Sat May 19, 2012 4:20 am
Obama Blamed for Trampled Flowers
Lynn Hargrove, the resident of 1602 Pennsylvania Avenue blames her nieghboor President Obama for her trampled bluebells. "Those darn Obamas- this is NOT change I can believe in!" an angry Hargrove reported to WKKS Action News NBC 7. Hargrove thinks the damage was done by Bo Obama, the first dog. She points to a hole under the fence that separates her property from the White House' East Lawn as proof.

President Obama urged the media to "get all the facts before rushing to judgment." He also appeared to shift blame to his predecessor saying "look I inherited the hole in the fence. The previous administration never did any maintenance and now the hole is bigger than ever. I'm trying to have it fixed but fixing a fence takes time. I assure you this is my number one priority"

Inside sources say Bo Obama will be asked to resign. While he will likely be replaced by rising media star Denny Crane-Adama, Bo will continue to serve as the Senior Advisor to the First Dog.

Fox News' Bill O'Riely admonished the President and came to former President Bush's defence- pointing out that Bush didn't want the fence and that was built by the Clinton administration. O'Riely replayed video of the fence's ceremonial ribbon cutting in which then First Lady Hillary Clinton announced that the fence was a way to keep "the dog from escaping for late night trysts with the Hargrove bitch."

Ms Hargrove's trampled bluebells. The flowers were meant to celebrate her husbands return to work as a construction worker as a result of passage of the American Recovery and Reinvestment Act of 2009.

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4 Posts

Last post by Suexstent
Sat Apr 14, 2012 7:56 am
Chevy: Volt's HEMI Powered Big Brother Only For Real Men
Chevrolet motors announced today that in addition to the all-electric Volt, it will offer the Hemi powered Volt XLT. Chevy said the move was to offer a choice to "real men." Chevy motors president was beeming with pride at the debut event and declared "Chevy is back! We know what the American people want and we will deliver! ROCK FLAG AND EAGLE!"

Chevy noted that some poindexter types might be ok with the all-electric Volt's "lackluster performance" but Chevy knows America's hard-working men need a hard-working car that can handle anything from tail-gating, to hauling a bag of fertilizer from the Home Depot.

The Volt XLT will come equipped with a pickup truck bed, built in XM Radio, oversized wheels (with an option to add 2 more wheels to the back for that "fat ass" look), and towing equipment because "what kind of sissy drives a car that can't haul a boat?" All Volt XLTs come preloaded with a Skynard cd and a decal of Calving urinating on the Ford logo.

While Chevy has so far refused to release the EPA MPG numbers for the Volt XLT they did assure us that in the long run EPA MPG numbers are just numbers and that what really matters is how everyone will look at us in that big car. He also reminded us that each Volt XLT comes with a gift card for a free steak dinner for two saying "When you eat steak, you don't ask what grade the meat is- because the government makes sure we only get top quality stuff- the same is true with the Volt. The government wouldn't let Chevy sell something that wasn't great for the environment."

Chevy is touting it's Volt XLT as the first of many cars to be proudly manufactured in it's New Mexico Auto Factory (located 45 miles east of Monterry, Nuevo Leon, Mexico).

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Last post by walkerzg56
Fri May 11, 2012 6:55 pm
Man Continues Saying "NOBama" Without Understand Meaning
That one conservative co-worker you have still keeps using the term "NObama" still hasn't shown any signs that he or anyone else knows what it means.

During the 2008 election you had to sit through hundreds of lectures and signs plastered with "NOBAmA." Since they were professionally made it was relatively obvious the intent of the phrase was to vote for "Not Obama." Even then it seemed like he didn't really understand what it meant but thought of it as a the conservative version of "Yes we can!" Something to be shouted at political rallies and as some kind of punch line. Like at the meeting where the sales manager asked if you could deliver the project by Q4 08 and you jokingly said "Yes we can!" and your coworker interjected "NOBAMA!" before reminding the sales manager that you still hadn't gotten approval papers signed by Johnson.

Now almost 2 years later he started using the phrase in casual conversation to mean "no." It started when that waitress asked your group of coworkers if you'd like coffee and before you could respond he yelled out "NOOOOBAMA!" As son as that waitress replied "Aint that the truth" you knew you'd be stuck listening to that phrase for the next 6 years.

It's cool though because he'll be the first to go on the next round of layoffs since he wrote down "NOBAMA 2012" in his goals for the year. That should at least get him away from you.

The fucker sent you this email last week with the subject line "I MADE A DIFFERENCE TODAY- WHAT DID YOU DO?". God! How did this guy learn to tie his shoes?

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16 Posts

Last post by bb520faway
Thu May 10, 2012 6:11 am
This American Life Host Arrested After Doling Out Epic Beatdown
Ira Glass, the host of the popular Public Radio International's This American Life was arrested after dolling a legendary beat down to a biker at a Chicago area bar late last night. Witnesses report the host started the night with a bottle of jack, and things escalated from there. One witness described the situation preceding the epic ass whupin': "A mean looking biker at the bar just kept egging this poor guy on- saying Prairie Home Companion is by far the best show on NPR, and Wait Wait Don't Tell Me is the second best because there is actual news in it and it doesn't have that DREADFUL Sarah Vowell in it- no one can stand her radio voice."

According to the police report on the incident: after ~30 minutes of abuse Mr Glass smashed a beer bottle loudly on the bar and yelled "I'm IRA Glass- welcome to This American Beat Down! Act 1: My Fist Meets Your Face Bitch!" before knocking down the biker clear off his bar stool with a viscous right hook. The biker got up and put up his fists, just in time to hear Mr Glass yell- "Act 2: Ow My Balls!" This was followed, predictably, by a knee to the biker's crotch. As the biker fell to his knees the 125lb Glass, then lifted the 210+lb biker above his head yelling "Act 3: Glass v Glass" and threw the biker through a plate glass window.

As he stood over the bleeding, and crying biker the host was heard to calmly say "Here's some pledge money- get yourself cleaned up" dropping $20.00 (the donation was matched and doubled by an antonymous donor so the police found $60.00). Mr. Glass then kicked the biker in the ribs a final time. Bar patrons watched silently as Glass walked back to the bar, the only sound that could be heard was the bar's jukebox loudly thumping The Ghetto Boys' popular anthem Damn It Feels Good to be a Gangster. A witness summed it up- "we all watched in awe as Mr Glass threw about $200.00 on the bar turned and said "tonight's beat down was engineered by Ira Glass as always my thanks to WBEZ general manager Mr. Torey Malatia who reminds you [quoting gangster rapper DMX] "Talk is cheap motherfucker!"

Mr Glass was released on his own recognizance and is not expected to serve any jail time- because well look at him.

Ira Glass- don't mess with him or he will fuck you up.

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Last post by bb520faway
Thu May 10, 2012 6:13 am
Fly Lady Offers Tips on Hoarding and Teleportation Engineering
Marla Cilley a country record producer by day runs the internet website (flylady.com) as the FlyLady. The site, operational for the last ten years, offers tips and solutions on hoarding and teleportation engineering . Ms. Ciley says she began hoarding and tinkering on a teleportation device when stuck in an abusive relationship with an ex-husband. "I guess the real turning point for me was when, I decided to leave my abusive ex-husband,"FlyLady recalls sipping a glass of sugar water, "unfortunately for me, the teleportation device was behind so much clutter that when I got in [the teloporation device] a single fly entered with me." FlyLady came out of the device a hideous half human, half fly hybrid with a super-human knack for sensing and cleaning up clutter. She doesn't publish pictures of herself but we're talking Jeff Goldblum in Independence Day creepy.

FlyLady says she bears no ill-will towards recent tv shows about hoarding but thinks their methods don't work long-term. She also says that Teleportation is a fools' errand and it will only lead to more leading roles for Jeff Goldblum. "I like the guy in Jurassic Park, but man his movies before and after are just terrible, with the exception of Independence Day of course!"she exclaimed while gingerly navigating a pair of headphones around her antennae.

Flylady hosts a weekly call in show on which she alternating takes questions from women suffering depression and Silicon Valley scientists/engineers attempting to master teleportation. I sat in for one of the shows and was surprised at the similarity of the callers problems. A caller reports she is having trouble deciding where to start with cleaning her house. Flylady: "Spend 15 minutes cleaning your sink! You'll be amazed at the difference it makes!" A caller calls in reporting that a test apple he attempted to teleport went in fresh and came out mashy and rotten: "Spend 15 minutes calibrating your Z gradient magnets! You'll be amazed at the difference it makes!"

An artists rendering of the Flylady. Flylady encourages Hoarders to put on laced shoes so that they can't easily take them off. "go to any discount store and buy 4 pairs of laced shoes to slip on every morning when you leave your pupae"

Actor Jeff Goldblum, who totally plays different characters in all his movies and doesn't always play a grown up Michael Cera-esque nerdy geek.

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Last post by nvjgn3623
Sat May 19, 2012 11:20 am
Vampires Suck Writers' Announce Next Movie: Shitty Movie
Jason Friedberg & Aaron Seltzer the writers of Date Move, Epic Movie, Disaster Move, and Scary Movie are ginning like a pig in shit about their new movie: Shitty Movie. "Shitty Movie is a parody of all the stupid parody movies coming out lately" explains the inexplicably successful Seltzer. "It has characters that are look vaguely like the characters in paradox movies- but stupider and doing stupider things. Also there's a lot of farting and you dumbasses seem to love that."

The movie will score a 1 star on IMDB, a sub 50% rating on rottentomateos, and, millions and millions of dollars at the box office. The opening weekend numbers are expected to top any other comedies out at the same time primarily due to the disturbing trend of some assholes watching it in the theater on opening night to "see just how bad it is". These epic retards have no idea that Seltzer will be further encouraged and will likely make Shitty Movie 2 an even shittier, raunchier, stupider crap-fest.

Seltzer said the Shitty Movie was his Chris Nolan's Inception in that critics would love it- except that Shitty Movie would include a proper ending. Asked how he sleeps at night Seltzer, in his trade mark way of taking a good thing and making it stupider and shittier, paraphrased McBain's "on a huge pile of money surrounded by many beautiful women" with: "on an ass-ton of dolla dolla bills yo- and peep my many nasty hoes that I be having sex with."

Seltzer also wrote Scary Movie 5 because that's what America needs- Saw and Scary Movies franchises. America- YEAH!

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Last post by walkerzg56
Mon May 14, 2012 5:27 pm
Hudson Hero Sully Sullenberger Turns Out To Be More Sullen
Shocking news emerged today in light of the recent JetBlue Steven Slater fiasco, where it was revealed that the events that turned United Airlines pilot Chelsey 'Sully' Sullenberger into a hero were not as heroic as they first seemed. Sully, an airline pilot since the 1980's, was initially reported to have saved flight 1549 from disaster when it struck a flock of seagulls or geese, causing both engines to fail. Sully successfully steered the plane to a safe but wet landing in the Hudson river in New York City, where local boats came to the rescue of crew and passengers stranded on the wings amid the icy winter waters.

With the drama and scrutiny surrounding JetBlue steward Steven Slater, and his flame-out fueled departure from a recently landed plane via emergency chute, new light is being poured on the Sully Hudson incident also. Originally, Slater was lauded as a man of the people for taking a stand against a rude and abusive customer, announcing via intercom for the person to "Go fuck themselves", before grabbing a few PBRs and taking a ride down the big yellow slide.

In much the same way, new details are emerging about the events that led to the crash landing in the Hudson of the aircraft piloted by Sullenberger. A passenger of flight 1549, who wishes to remain anonymous, came forward with this comment, "I just felt compelled to come forward, the truth will out, you know? The whole tale of hitting birds was bogus, there were no birds, the skies were clear." The passenger, a stocky geriatric surgeon in his mid-forties from Bayside, Queens, expanded: "There was a couple arguing in the back of the plane. I mean, really screaming and going at it - I was surprised they didn't come to blows. The crew members tried their best to calm them down, but they wouldn't listen, and that's when Sully came over the intercom, telling them to be quiet. Well, they kept fighting and making even more noise. This time Sully comes on the intercom and booms 'So help me God, if you two assholes don't shut the fuck up, I swear I'll turn this plane around and ditch it in the fucking river! I don't care what your co-pilot says, got that?'"

Both passengers shut up for a minute, glowering at each other, before again exploding into a cataphonic display of Tourrets. That was the last straw for Sullenberger, a pilot with an unblemished record spanning more than two decades. He opened the intercom again to scream "That's it, I've had enough! I hope you bastards are happy!" before pushing the plane into a deep nose dive that led it to its inevitable splashdown in history.

Passengers of the plane, furious at the two arguing passengers who precipitated the chain of events, made a pact to embellish the story and make it seem like an accident, so as to protect Sullenberger's reputation. "He did what any of us would have done in that situation, dump a 100 ton airplane into a ice cold river. He???s still my hero."

Sullenberger was unavailable for comment.

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Last post by 5ibroadway
Thu Apr 26, 2012 3:49 pm
Reagan's Law: No Planes in Hallowed Airspace Above Ground Zero
Friends, now that we conservatives have won the battle over Obama's Ground Zero Mosque Monument to the Attackers we should set our sights and put protecting the New York right in the cross hairs. Remember on that fateful day in 2002 we didn't just get attacked because Saddam Hussein was a threat we got attacked because there were airplanes flying around New York. Airplanes are like guns- you leave em lying around and someone's gonna git shot.

On the way to work I bet most New Yorkers look out the subway windows at the hallowed airspace where the twin towers magstically stood and wonder why airplanes are still allowed to fly around there. Well last night I had a dream and someone near and dear to the heart of every red blooded Christan spoke to me and He told me He aggreed and something needed to be done. That's right friends- Ronald Reagan Himself said to me- "put an end to Big Government and make a law that says: No airports within 100 miles of New York City."

Think about it- I, like many people, have to drive 2 hours to get to an airport and I've never seen planes fly close to my local "Twin Towers" on (the Super Walmart and the Super Target on HWY 31). Reagan's Law would let New Yorkers enjoy the piece of mind I feel everytime I point my shotgun into the blue Alabama sky.

You might wonder how New Yorkers will get anywhere? Well I know from tv and movies: New Yorkers don't leave New York, and anywhere they need to go they can get there by subway or cab. We don't need to worry about them they are tough folks- they just don't know what's best for them. That's why Republicans need to pass Reagan's Law- to protect New Yorkers.

Ronald Reagan Himself told me He wanted Reagan's Law passed by Sarah's (BAPBUH) first month in office. Any opposition to Reagan's Law you might hear on the Lamestream MSM Socialist Media is jsut libruls being liberals and trying to keep New York's only airport cuz it's named after a Kennedy. Liberuls will do anything if it's got the word Kennedy in it!

Folks help me help the New Yorkers by banning airplanes above ground zero. We need to show the world: We are the land of the brave and we wn't cower beneath airplanes.

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36 Posts

Last post by blogger_patriot
Sat Aug 21, 2010 5:05 am
McGruff the Crime Dog Busted For Extortion
Detective McGruff, the crime dog was busted at the end of a month long sting operation. McGruff is charged with extorting "protection treats" from pet supply stores. McGruff's long time partner explained "Everyone on the force knows you go into a store enough times they're bound to give you a freebie occasionally- McGruff crossed the line when he tried to get PetsSmart to throw him 10, 15 bones a week."

McGruff did not take the arrest well and struggled against an officer attempting to place him into a police car. He howled at the media that he was "set up" and that "he's a good cop and a good boy". All protests stopped; however, when the officer asked McGruff if he wanted to go for a ride. McGruff then perked up his ears ad quickly jumped into the car.

McGruff is currently on paid administrative leave. He is not allowed out of the house except to potty and poop. McGruff's union boss, Lou, from the police academy movies, announced that the union had visited the PetSmart and that the "misunderstanding has been straightened out." He also pointed out the only evidence against McGruff, security camera footage tapes reportedly showing McGruff tasing hapless PetSmart employees were deleted as a result of an clerical error.

McGruff waves to the media upon his released from prison.

Although likely to be dropped, McGruff was also charged with possession of child pornography because of the above picture found in his leash at the time of the arrest showing naked pups playing in a pool. The pups belong to McGruff.

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4 Posts

Last post by 5ibroadway
Sun May 06, 2012 3:09 pm
Blago Jurors Use Lots of Air Quotes In Verdict Explanation
Gover Rod Blagojevich's jurors made the media rounds this morning after yesterday's surprise verdict.. In an odd twist to the already bizarre story the entire jury appears to be suffering from a compulsion to produce air quotes and a tick causing them to wink. Jury Foreman James Matsumoto explained to CNN's Rick Sanchez that "The defense and their "associates" "convinced" us that the Governor was "innocent" on all the serious charges". Asked about the experience of serving on a jury that could have sent the Governor to jail for years Mr. Matsumoto said "it's been a very "enriching" experience." adding a wink.

The lone hold out juror 36-year-old Steven Wlodek told NPR's Morning Edition "I myself am not happy with the way this ended." Clarifying that he was OK with the verdict, he continued "We had something golden- and I'm afraid we gave it away for "nothing"."

The only juror not making air quotes was the ecstatic juror on the Today Show who exclaimed "the Defense's testimony really moved me.....to a bigger house!."

Former Illinois Governor Blagojevich is said to be pleased with the verdict and is looking forward to a peaceful year or two before he is again charged with corruption.

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4 Posts

Last post by qifeng605
Mon May 14, 2012 8:01 pm
Civilization 5 is a Muslim Theocracy Simulator
Friends, my grandson just got done telling me about an indoctrination tool being sold as a game. Sid Meyer's Civilization 5 is a Muslim Theocracy Simulator. The indotrination begins with the cover of the game. It's labeled as made by Firaxis. Obviously this stands for "Fear" the "Islamic Revolution" and the "Axis of Evil!" They say it's just a game that teaches children about history. I got news for them- everything OUR CHILDREN need to know about history THEY CAN GET FROM the BIBLE!

I know we've all been trying to stop the formation of Terror Babbys and the construction of the 164 story Barack Obama Muslim Celebration of 9/11 MonumentMosque FEMACORN REDUCATION BUILDING, but I think this game might be the biggest threat America will ever face.

Civilzation 5 is about one thing: Making the Muslims control the world. The player is encouraged to use "Whatever means necessary" to secure hegemony. (Sounds familiar and scary right?). Here are some of the lowlights:
- The "game" forces our children to be Persians. I looked it up on conserviapedia and Persian is just a fancy ivory tower way of saying Iranian!
- The game doesn't provide Regonomics on it's tech tree! This is some grade-A BS! The player is ENOUCRAGD to raise TAXES. I remind you that the ROMANS, who were basically Islamists, TAXED Jesus Himself!
- The "game" gives points for killing Americans. What kind of sick barbarian lets American soilders die!? We need to declare war and SEND ABOUT 50,000 TROOPS To Japan or whereever THIS game is made!
- Children are encouraged to use Diplomacy to SOLVE problems! COME ON! Diplomacy is for DEMOCRATS, HOMOSEXUALS, and SOCIAL/FASHIONISTAS. In AMERICA we use our FISTS and our PROTESTS SIGNS! The FOUNDERS DIDN"T WRITE A LETTER telling the King of England to take his TEA and SHOVE IT! THEY GOT OUT THIER GUNS AND SHOT THE REDCOATS! AMERICA HELL YAH!
- The game is anti-women. It is designed so that MEN will stay at home and play it. This will inevitably lead ALL AMERICAN women to lesbianism.
To add insult to injury it's being sold on 9/21 just 10 days after the anniversary of when the US was attacked by Saddam Hussien's Persian Terrorists.

This is who your CHILDREN will mindlessly OBEY if they play this "game"! That is NOT WHAT AN AMERICAN LEADER LOOKS LIKE! IS THERE ANY DOUBT THIS GAME IS A direct result of OBAMA stealing the election from Glenn Beck and Sarah Palin (Blessings and Peace Be Upon Her)!

If you're LIKE ME you're probably in tears. Well let me remind you what AMERICA IS ALL ABOUT!:

Thank you Nickdude for the image! GOD BLESS AMRICA AND GOD BLESS THE CONSTTEATUSHAN! ROCK FLAG AND EAGLE!
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64 Posts

Last post by Jobeth
Tue Dec 13, 2011 4:48 pm
John McCain: Still Sucking Up To Bush After All These Years
Sen John McCain (R- AZ) today tweeted (from the IPhone his wife bought him):
senjohnmccain wrote: Last American combat troops leave Iraq. I think President George W. Bush deserves some credit for victory.(Link)

I agree he deserves credit in the same way that the thief deserves credit for forcing a business to install a security system.

Other things I expect John McCain to give Bush credit for now that Obama has done them:
1.> Credit Card Reform
2.> Health Care Reform
3.> Stem Cell Research

That's it. Are you looking for the rest of the joke?
John McCain

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5 Posts

Last post by faiuyo2967
Tue May 15, 2012 1:21 pm
Daily Show To Take Break- Nation Braces For Tragedy
Following Jon Stewart's announcement of a 2 week break for The Daily Show with Jon Stewart the nation braces for an as of yet unknown tragedy. Previous Daily Show breaks have coincided with: the Sheri Sharrod scandal, the Gulf oil spill, the Times Square bombing, and the Christmas day bomb. President Obama reassured a worried nation: "Jon Stewart's gone on break before, and we've survived. Sure it usually takes weeks or months to overcome whatever happens while he's gone, but hey- the guy's staff needs time off too! Do you have any idea how hard it is to write decent material? Look at all the shity internet satire sites- they are just terrible!"

Fox News and CNN have suggested that this event likely signals the end of the Obama administration. CNN contributor Ed Rollins speculated "Obama can't even control Stewart- how can he possibly control the US?"

Al Qeada's Number 2 declared in a tape released to the Al-Jezera network: "We demand the infidels put Jon Stewart to work! He is our only source of news that isn't tainted with reports of the American Actresses Lindsay Lohan and Justin Beeber! Were it not for Tosh.0 we would begin a new period of glorious Holy War with the decadent West. We would crumble your cities! But as it is we demand that Josh use the video we sent him where Jabhash falls off the monkey bars hits his nuts and then his suicide belt catches fire and he screams like an American girl upset upon her 16 birthday!"

In addition to Shari Sharrod, the last Daily Show break saw Jon Stewart return with a hideous growth on his chin.

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4 Posts

Last post by Gemma
Wed Aug 25, 2010 12:32 am
Move Over Mafia and Hitman, New Video Game Stars: US Senators
The recent success of the "Mafia" and "Hitman" video game franchises virtually assured other games allowing the player to live the life of powerful, but sleazy criminals. Today Apogee Mega Games announced a Q4 release date for their game,"Max Richards: Pro Senator." The senatorial simulator puts the player in the shoes of Max Richards, a first-term Senator from Texas. Lead Developer Clippy B says that players succeed by "keeping Richards busy-looking, but making sure nothing gets changed during his first 8 years in office."

Initially, the game is simple. The player must block as much legislation as possible using an inventory of moves that Richards unlocks. A reviewer from Kotaku.com summarizes that "right out of the election, I learned the easy stuff. B for 'No,' Y for 'NO!' 45 minutes later I was pulling off killer combos, like procedural techniques (Jump + B), back room deals (crouch + Y + B), and just plain old douchebaggery (hold back for 2 seconds, then B + Y + forward)!"

As Richards enters his second year in office, he gains the ability to call lobbyists and use their powers to enhance his own. GoFanboy's Charles Austin states that "when faced with a bill to prevent the sale of cigarettes to minors, I threw the Pokeball for the anti-smoking lobby and threw down the card for the pro-smoking lobby. Then while they were fighting it out and giving me money- I used backroom deals to prevent the bill from passing. But, I blasted my opponents for failing to pass the bill. It took a lot of strategy but I managed to get the '2-Faced Achievement' with that move!"

Austin was also thrilled with the thrilling multi-player aspect of the game: "I tried to call for vote of cloture on a 30 billion dollar education bill but I forgot to add 20 billion dollars in pork projects. Before I could do anything some 12 year old kid sent the bill to a 3 member subcommittee and called me a noob! This game is the most fun and thoughtful game I've ever played."

Early reviewers report that the game is challenging and will keep gamers playing for hours. IGN.com's Three Red Lights Podcast host Hiliary Goldstien states "I found my stomach turning in knots thinking about how I could hold a defense contractor to task for fraud while increasing payments to the same contractor. Then, while I was tweeting on the toilet, I got an idea! I'd fine the contractor, and make all fines paid by contractors tax deductible! 'Pro Senator' is the most ingenious game since 'Batman: Arkham Asylum!'"

Children playing the demo version of "Max Richards: Pro Senator" universally declare "I want to be a US Senator when I grow up!"

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15 Posts

Last post by artrerts751
Fri May 18, 2012 2:10 pm
Glenn Beck's Gonna Take OBAMA's Civil Rights and Give Them To US
Friends, I'm excited about Glenn Beck and Sarah Palin (blessings and peace be upon her) appearing in front of the Lincoln Memorial and taking back the Civil Rights Movement from Obama, who hijacked it and flew it into our freedoms. The Civil Rights Movement was supposed to be about making sure that everyone, including WHITE folk, got thier fair shake. Like many of you, I haven't been getting a fair shake . Look back to when all our troubles started. I don't know a single person who voted for Obama but somehow he got elected! It's like black people's votes counted five-thirds as much as white votes. This kind of blatant racism has to stop. This is NOT what our Founding Fathers wanted! Beck and Sarah will bring Civil Rights back to the time of our Founder's. As a strict construtshunist of the constituton I think this is what the fathers wanted- not some activist judges JUDGING us or some DEMOCRAT Congress FORCING laws down our throats.

Beck and Sarah will remind Obama that in his famous "I Have a Dream"speech Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. didn't talk about forced Obamacare! He was a doctor and he knew back then that Obamacare was just code for death panels, and taxes. Dr. King talked about schools for black and white children.

Beck's gonna tell Obama that if he keeps raising taxes no one's going to be able to afford to send their kids to school!

Beck is going call for an end to Obama's racist college policies. How bad has it gotten? Well friends, my grandson (who is turning 20 this year) decided he wanted to go to college to get a better job so that he could care for his 5 year old. Well I told him to let me talk to teh school's princliple. I called Dean Admissions- and I told him "PUT MY ReayGun IN COLLEGE! " and he told me that we needed to fill out a FORM. Obama, this is too much! You're forcing WHITE people to fill out FORMS? This is America, not Socialialist Nazi Germany! Lincoln didn't fill out a FORM to free the slaves. Truman didn't' FILL out a FORM to end WWII and I sure asshit ain't filling out no form to get my grandson into college. I got to thinking about it - and I know why he's so keen on forms. See Obama's a trickster; he knows that us normal folk can't understand his complicated forms. Friends, this is just Obama's way of making college ONLY for ivory tower elitists!

Sarah'll make sure more normal American kids get in and bring college back down to the level of the average working man. SHE got her MRS Degree from 5 different colleges. OBAMA only went to two! I bet he got into them by affirmative action! (how come all the black kids use up all the affirmative action scholarhships before the whtie kids have a chance to get them?)

Obama just makes me so angry. Glenn Beck and Sarah are right. America belongs to Americans not Obama! Obama is like Malcom X- a Kenyan mooslim out to hurt us white Christian folk. Friends, we need to take this country back by any means necessary! Obama threw dirt all over the White House with the stimulus, Obamacare, TARP, and his wars of choice. Beck is gonna wash away that dirt with a fire hose and expose Obama's corrupt policies. Then Sarah will sell OBAMA'S whitehouse MOSQUE on ebay and use the money to hire Chinamen to use thier ancient chineese sekrits to ethnically clense the whitehouse carpets.

Then maybe AMERICA can finally end our national nightmare and get back to Martin Luther King Jr's dream of having Sarah Palin (BAPBUH) be president!

'merica- LIBERTY for ALL not OBAMA!

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Last post by ronniestuart
Wed Apr 04, 2012 5:19 pm
NBC Stretches Bullet Point List to 4 Hour Special
NBC managed to stretch a 2 page bullet list into a 4 hour special. The special -- billed as an annual award show -- consisted of reading names off a list, followed by an actor, actress, or someone no one's ever heard of saying thank you to people no one's ever heard of. NBC says it hopes this new reality show will bring ratings back to it because they cannot afford "real shows" anymore.

Media analyst Howard Kurtz of CNN's Reliable Sources points out, however, that most 18 - 35-year-olds just DVRed the special and will likely delete it before watching it. Asked to comment, a 33-year-old Internet entrepreneur said, "Why would I watch that? It won't give me any Karma!" In Web 3.0 user content is rated by other users through Karma points. Similar to the points in pac-man or Halo points don't provide any real reward but are still highly desired. He continued: " But hey I bet I could get a shitload by doing an IAMA about being interviewed by Howard Kurtz."

Like most viewers of NBC's award show- this software engineer uses internet website digg.com instead of watching the travesty.

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3 Posts

Last post by walkerzg56
Mon May 14, 2012 5:29 pm
Aziz Ansari's Parents Pressure Him to Go to Medical School
Comedian Aziz Ansari's parents' escalated to get their son into medical school today with the publication of an open letter. Despite his recent Comedy Central special, a lead role on Parks and Recreation and appearances in countless hit movies, Ansari's parents are insistent that he must go to medical school to be considered successful.

The open letter to Ansari reveals:
Mera Betaa, you must go to Medical School and become a doctor. Diwali is coming and your friend Kal Penn's mom and dad will again tell us how good their son is- how he is a perfect man. Again we will hear he went to Penn State, became world famous actor, then he is playing doctor on House show, and now he is friends with Obama. Now is the right time! Stop your job as government worker. You are perfect man! Not garbage man! Become a doctor or go to Med School, then become a married, then you can have kids, then we will feel like we can rest. Other way round is only for bad boys. I want to make 'my son is doctor' Penda not 'NBC sitcom' Penda. You can keep being famous actor if you want- maybe you can be next Sanjay Gupta?

Ansari is reportedly too busy eating at Taco Bell, playing Madden, and taping his reactions to the Twilight movies to comment; however, his agent released a statement on his behalf saying, "At least Aziz is not some dumbass writer for a website."

Aziz's dad added "Why don't you do dadhi- and wear better kapare you are almost 30 years old! Looks like you are a beggar!"

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21 Posts

Last post by aquaxyRus
Tue May 15, 2012 8:51 pm
Obama's "End of Combat Operations in Iraq" Translated
To address Fox News' concerns that President Obama's Oval Office address to the nation is "all 'tarded" and "he talks like a fag," the following translation is offered as a Public Service. Read the original address on the White House's official website: http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2010/08/31/remarks-president-address-nation-end-combat-operations-iraq

Evenin' y'all Lemme say a few words 'bout Irak.

Times is tough- lotta shit goin' down.

I just wanna say to y'all and to e'ry one else on God's Green Earth that Merica kicks ass.

7 years ago W started this a here Iraki war with a lotta hootin' an a hollerin' and things turned ugly real quick like, but our boys put up one helluva fight.

I'm here to tell ya we sure as shit ain't a fightin' anymore. Iraki Freedum is done and theys gonna have to rule themselves.

When I was canadatin' i told you that I intended to bring our boys home and that's just what I done.

Irakis got their own army and they held their own 'lection- but we're gonna be there to offer a helpin' hand should they need one. My boy Biden was over 'ere not but one day ago tellin' 'em that we was gonna help 'em with diplomating and such.

This here war's been tough and its time we end it, ya hear?

I ain't a sayin that all y'alls gonna agree but I'm here to tell you- Merica is United- I don't care if you're black, brown, Republican or Democrat- we all know we done goofed and the consequences will never be the same.

As for the Afghans- well that's a whole 'nother ball game. Y'all, it might seem like we's chasing a greased up hog- but I ain't intendin' to stay there forever neither.

The world's a different place- what with them Chinese and those A-rabs wantin' peace and prosperity and what not. We gotta pull through as Mericans an show 'em how it's done.

As for Merica- I ain't gonna lie- Y'all were in a big pickle. Ain't no one workin', our banks are runnin' round like a chicken with its head cut off, and our childrens is dumber'n shit.

Ima fix this sure as Jesus Christ is my Lord and Savior.

Some 60 years ago my pappy done got an education cuz he's a vetran. Ima make it so that any vetran what wants one can git it. Also, y'all, our vetrans need help for all their mental di-lemmas and i intend to make sure they can git it.

There's this one group- the 4th striker birgade that done come home- and it wasn't easy for them, no sir. Their kin and their children done gave up lots.

We ain't throw'n no party cuz the waters ahead ain't nothing but murky- but we's gonna make it cuz we're Mericans and thats just how we is.

God bless Merica the greatest country on Earf.

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Last post by blogger_patriot
Wed Sep 01, 2010 7:13 pm
Daily Show National Tragedy Update
Last Saturday RumorMiller was the only news outlet* brave enough to report on the impending national tragedies sure to occur during The Daily Show with Jon Stewart's 2 week break (Daily Show To Take Break- Nation Braces For Tragedy). This week we are not surprised to report that at least five national tragedies have occured.
- On Monday August 30th two men were arrested for attempting to test the TSA security infrastructure. The incident lead one person to call for discussion and passage of Reagan's Law.
- On Tuesday August 31st National Treasure Michael Douglas announced that he was undergoing treatment for Stage IV throat cancer- even more tragic- television viewers were forced to watch clips form the David Letterman 1 hour crap fest. This comes on news that Wall Street 2 will include an appearance for America's second biggest fat-ass Jack Black.
- On Wednesday September 1st, a gunman pissed off at the "Hey Look At This Freak Network"(formerly known as TLC) took out his frustration at the Discover Channel.
- On Thursday September 2nd, a oil rig exploded in the Gulf causing locals to brace for additional fishing bans. Many believe that President Obama will soon ban all fishing.
- On Friday September 3thd Hurricane Earl bore down on the nation's East Coast dangerously close to the Center of the Universe, Manhattan, NYC.
  
  As the Daily Show returns this week we wish Jon Stewart continued good health and good ratings. Who knows what will happen if he gets canceled? We are just not prepared for an Alien Invasion at this time.
*Note: RumorMiller is not a news site, should be confused with happy fun ball, and should not be taunted.
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1 Posts

Last post by CoolGuy
Fri Sep 03, 2010 4:53 am
Ben Affleck Filmed The Town To Force You to Listen To His Boston Accent for 2 Hours
Boston native Ben Affleck was reportedly thrilled to hear about The Town. Inside sources indicate he didn't care that the movie was to be filmed in Boston, but rather because it provided an opportunity to speak with a thick Boston accent for almost 2 hours. "Oh my Guwad" Affleck is reported to have ejaculated at his agent- "yah betteah not be fawking with me yah retahd!"

Like many of the movies he has worked on- he reportedly did not read the script. Instead he called his former fling Jennifer Garner to brag. Ms Garner recalled the moment to TMZ.com: "He called me, didn't say hello or anything- the first thing I heard was 'guess who's gonna see the sawks slawteah the yankmes at Kenmoah you whoah'."

Surprisingly Affleck's man boy Matt Damon will not be in the film. Affleck told his fans not worry though- posting on his facebook page that on the set of Good Will Hunting he would "look over at Damon and think 'I hope yaw not heah tommoah yaw so much bettah than this.'"

The Town opens in theaters soon and has been panned universally by critics as wicked retahdid.

Affleck remembers his time in Boston fondly- no one critizsed him for dressing like he was in his 20s, leering at and hitting on college girls, or for drinking till he fell down. He hopes to someday return to Boston and do a movie about Beantown Legend "Screaming Tricycle Man".

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4 Posts

Last post by internet_troll
Wed Sep 08, 2010 4:27 am
GOP Unifies Quantum & Classical Physics; Hails New Era for Man
The GOP, America's finest political party proudly reported finding a solution to the problem plaguing physicists the past 55 + years. The classical theory, which governs laws of most objects is the physics conservatives refuse to learn in high school. Quantum physics, a relatively new field, describes the behavior of subatomic particles. Quantum particles appear to pop into and pop out of existence, like the chances of Democrats passing Universal Healthcare. GOP Scientists came up with their elegant theory when attempting to prove, once and for all, that President Obama was a Muslim. GOP scientists call their formula the Tautology Agnostic to eXamintions of Classical Unifing TheorieS or TAXCUTS.

The GOP's top scientists Sarah Palin explained that the theory was the result of a mistake, saying in her quaint, folkys, slightly retarded voice "I never thought I'd see a resonance cascade much less create one- but I won't retreat I'll reload- the only difference between a me and a head crab is lipstick."

Republican spokesperson Michael Steele related to the media the importance of the research. "We think TAX CUTS will usher in a new era for man. Imagine the possibilities- if we know how subatomic particles can be predictably controlled- we can create thousands of high tech jobs and investments. TAX CUTS are the future of the human race."

Micheal Steele announces the Republican discovery before asking for a refund on his soup.

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11 Posts

Last post by artrerts813
Thu May 17, 2012 11:50 am
Obama Wants to Choke Corporations By Their Rugged Bootstraps
Friends, there are only two things in thie world that Create. God, who created everything, and Corporations who create jobs. My mammy taught me that when I was neigh on 2 years old. But OBAMA's going after both. He's KILLING God Al-Mighty by shoving his ISLAMIC ATHEISM SHIRRIA LAW down our throats! Even worse- he's KILLING corporations with REGULATION! Corporations are calling out for help- and it's up to us patriots to STOP OBAMA's wild ETHNIC rage before its too late.

Friends, OBAMA's waging a never ending JIHAD WAR against our corporations. Before I went on social security I worked for the GM CORPORATION. When I worked there we didn't have no REGULATIONS. There wasn't any JACK BOOTED government agent stepping on our throats to work harder! Then OBAMA stole teh election from Sarah (BPBUH) and REGULATED GM right into Bankruptcy. I bet if him and all his UNION budddies had thier way they would have taken away my UAW pension check.

Now I here he wants to start RGULATING eggs farmers! OBAMA WE JUST had a salmon nilla scare- this isn't the right time!

Sarah Palin (Blessings and Peace Be Upon Her) knows this- and she's the ONLY one who will save the defenseless coprorations from teh evil clutches of that trickster Obama who wants to choke them on their own rugged bootstraps. Sarah is like Jesus sent down from the heavens for the corporations- she's ther Profit!

I bring this up today friends, becase my loyal fans have made me the most profitable column writter on the rumormiller site. They offered to give me a BONUS and I old hell no. I told em- take that money and create some more jobs- I'm white- not a wellfare case- besides I've got my pension and dissablitly checks. So they made me my own website. From now on you can read my ghospel on this site and bloggerptriot.com!

Our liberties and our corporations are shrinking because OBMA hates America!

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10 Posts

Last post by angel185
Sat May 19, 2012 7:15 am
BP Introduces Organic Gasoline
BP, announced today that it would be selling an organic gasoline adding a new GG(GreenGas) grade to the traditional, 87, 89, and 91 octanes. Coinciding with the official closure of the Deep Water Horizon oil well. the a new product will be sold at all BP Branded gas stations. BP's new organic line of automobile gas is touted as formed from the finest organic ingredients.

BP Spokesperson Nigel Featherton said in a press conference: "At BP we recognize our mission to market and sell only the most environmentally safe gasoline to our greenest consumers. This market has been typically ignored by major oil companies, but at BP we're Beyond Petroleum- that's why we are offering GaiaGas to US consumers."

BP began selling GaiaGas in the Portland Oregon metro area in April. Officially, BP won't comment on GaiaGa' success- but a survey of local gas stations found that most run out of the product within hours of delivery. Captain of the local Prius club Manny Johnson explains- "There's an iPhone app we all use- when gas stations get GaiaGas we all get a text message. Sometimes I've got to drive over 60 miles just to fill up- but it's worth it. Just because you have to buy gas for your Prius doesn't mean you don???t have to be green."

GaiaGas will cost a premium- approximately 5 cents more per gallon than the 91 grade gasoline. BP has pledged to invest any extra revenue to secure more organic energy sources.

A Queens, NY environmentalist fills up with BP's Gaia Gas.

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7 Posts

Last post by fmfcyeunem
Sat Apr 14, 2012 7:10 am
Lady Republicans Bleeding Liberty All Over Obama's Amerika
Friends- it's that time of the month- the Lady Republicans have finally shown OBAMA who's boss! This started when John McSAME picked the greatest woman AMERICA has ever known. We all knew as soon as we laid eyes on Sarah Palin (blessings and peace be upon her) that she was the smartest Lady Republican since Lindsay Grahm. That day I think we all sat at attention and thanked the Lord Al Mighty that we were men! Sarah has the brains of Bush and the looks of Raegan . But then that "Trickster in Thief" Byrack HUSSIEN Oleberma stole it! Well our prayers to Sarah have been answered Sarah has given unto us her one and only profit Christine O Donnel.

Christine O'Donnel is the Joe the Plumber of Lady Republicans. She isn't a fancy law professor, or eltisit waving her high school and college diplomas at us. She translates SARAH'S message so us common folk can understand how she's gonna take america back. Even when that pig dog Karl WhoShallNotBeNamed tried to libel her RUSH LIMAUGH HIMESELF - teh LEADER of the REPUBLICAN party defended her. Like all of us he's addicted.

The best part about the Lady Republicans (except for thier bodies of course) is that they don't buy into that whole FEMINZAI belief. Lady Republicans might not be able to drive and they might leave the important stuff like making laws and governing to us men but they'll iron out Obama's mistakes, and sweep up the the mess he's made of Washington.

Of course as soon as OBAMA hurd of her he sent his LIBURL Mainstream MSM Media News to attack OUR Christine. They say she used her campaign money for herself. OF COURSE SHE DID! WHOSE she supposed to spend it on- OBAMA? He'd just gonna go spend it on arugula, MUSTARD, and ACORNS.

What these libruls don't understand is that when republicans give money we do it for the common good. They're just mad that Christine's gonna ban taxes, abortion, and the press and return AMERICA to the days when it was FREE- when we had Reagan and the government didn't waste our money on ART and OBAMA"s wars of choice.

If it wasn't for teh Lady Republicans I think I would give myself a heart attack worrying. And I can't AFFORD that right now- becuase OBAMA took over MEDICAID.

LADY Republicans- beautiful, smart, and mysterious- what's she got under the flag? If you don't want to know then you must be some kind of democrat or woman. If you're a woman- then trust me- I'm a man and you want to vote for a Republican. We need to show OBAMA he can't force Abortion, OBAMACARE, gay marriage, down our throats!

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24 Posts

Last post by artrerts660
Thu May 17, 2012 7:51 pm
700 Club President Calls for an End to Glee
Controversial 700 Club President Pat Robertson yesterday repeated his call for an end to Glee. Robertson, during one of his trademark "rants" called Glee- "The greatest problem facing humanity- showcasing and even celebrating sin." During a televised 30 minute speech a sweating Robertson proclaimed in a booming voice "girls dressed like whores, grown men condoling male, male homosexuality- and lets not forget the singing and dancing- when was the last time you heard a song about God's Glory? All we hear is Lady Gaga and Britney Spears sing about their drunken escapades. 700 Club realize that our Lord simply cannot compete- our children are being seduced by the Glee and the decadence and excess of Hollywood."

Robertson has made no secret his feelings that simply watching Glee was enough to turn "normal children into wild, sex crazed beasts that don't listen to their parents." He also noted that adults are susceptible saying "Glee turns adults to dirty "jive" dancing, which always leads to adultery- a carnal sin."

Robertson urged his supporters to take action immediately- down vote and post comments chastising any video showcasing Glee on youtube, facebook, twitter, and other social networking sites.

Robertson urged supporters to demand an end to Glee. "Get the the teenagers and women covered up- so as not to elicit carnal lust, and punish homosexuality by death- without threat of death the insatiable sexual appetite of man will run free and dream not of the glory of God, but of the glory of another man's erect penis".

When pressed by reporters asking if he had seen a full episode of the show- Robertson replied "what show?"

Robertson throws up the horns when listening to that one really awesome part in Rush's Tom Sawyer

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9 Posts

Last post by AdminStationCMS
Tue May 15, 2012 7:22 pm
TLC's Hoarding to Feature Actual Hoard, Dragon
TLC's popular documentary-style show Hoarding: Buried Alive will feature an actual Hoard belonging to a Dragon. Smaug the Dragon's story is typical of many of the show's subjects. From the outside his lair appears to be a nondescript cave; however, one need only venture past the moat of acid guarding the front to see a 32' tall grand living room- piled high with junk and treasures. Smaug blames his compulsive hoarding on the unexpected death of his mother. "When my mom unexpectedly died 500 years ago at the hands of the townspeople, I filled my cave with stuff since I couldn't fill my heart." Some of the clutter filling his cave is spoils from Smaug's raids on the kingdoms of the old world. "In my early days I used to reign terror across the world- i raided castles in Britain, stole from the Forbidden City in china, and once I made it to India!" The hoarding quickly spiraled from raiding the treasures of kings to raiding the garbage of suburban America- "I knew things were bad when I swooped into the Gainsville, Fl flea market- and came back with 76 precious moments figurines and a dozen broken table lamps."

As the hoarding continued Smaug sank into the deep depression he now lives through. "I usually get up around noon, eat a box of precooked bacon straight from the box, and then spend hours posting on [Internet web sites] Fark and reddit. I still raid- though now I only raid on [online multiplayer game] World of Warcraft." Things hit rock bottom when Smaug caught several knights wading through the piles of trash. One tried to run but tripped and fell on a stack of National Geographics. "They shouldn't have been here! They had no business touching my treasure," Smaug emoted. "But when the paramedics came they reported me to the Sheriff, who gave me 60 fortnights to clean up or face jail time."

To help Smaug clean his cave, "Hoarding" producers hired Professional Organizer Meegan Thomas. Ms. Thomas said the cave was her "biggest challenge yet" and described the clutter as "stacks of crowns, gold coins, sparkling rubies and diamonds scattered among countless Mountain Dew bottles, Dominos Pizza boxes, animal bones, old newspapers, and a cavern full of still unopened packages from the HomeShoppingNetwork.

Ms. Thomas reports she worked hard to come up with a simple system for organizing a cleanup- 64 of the towns bravest men were called in to help separate everything into three piles one for discarding, one for selling, and one for tossing onto the local townspeople. "It was slow-going at first," she explained. "When I asked him if he really needed both a pile of rubies and a Bedazzler, he needed a few minutes off-camera to compose himself, but we got back on track." Unfortunately a grisly discovery was made as the cleanup progressed. Ms. Thomas explains, "In the garage behind 15 garbage bags of cottage cheese containers were found the bodies of 2 dead maidens. Smaug had caught these maidens sometime before and was hoping to trade them for the wealth of their respective towns, but he seems to have forgotten about them and then they died buried under trash."

Smaug used the proceeds from his appearance on the show to work with a counselor on his hoarding addiction, until he ate him with a side of Poutine. He is currently resting conformably in his newly cleaned cave and expects to raid the Vatican in the next year.

Hoarding: Buried Alive is entering it's 3rd season TLC and is the only show not featuring midgets or Christians. It can be seen anytime you want to feel better about yourself or need to get motivated to clean your living space.

A look into the Dragon's bathing area. "I had plumbing turned off 10 years ago and every week I gave myself a whore's bath at a the Y- there's a fountain out back."

Artist Laurel D. Austin's depiction of the Dragon.

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3 Posts

Last post by Gemma
Mon Sep 27, 2010 11:32 pm
Budget Expert to Congress: Outsource Yourselves
Budget expert Rick Haglund delivered a shocking recommendation to Congressional Leaders today: "Outsource Yourselves." Haglund's 32 page recommendation was the result of an exhaustive 12 month budget analysis. In an interview with CBS's Katie Couric, Haglund explains the krux of his findings: "You know the Indian equivalents of Senators work for $500 a month! The point is why have Ron Paul and John Kerry argue and then ultimately do nothing when we could have Rajiv Patel argue with Jagdesh Kumar for one five-hundredth the cost? And with the same result!"

Haglund met personally with every serving Congressman in preparation for the report. He was frequently given one excuse for why Congressional pay was so high: "One comment I kept getting was that they got paid so much because it is expensive to live in DC, well real-estate and living expenses in Overland Park, KS costs a fraction of metro DC. Why haven't you moved there? And those that say "DC has a history" I say- that's why we have museums. Look we're paying these guys to make laws not sight see! This isn't a vacation it's a job! Either they move to the middle of no where America, or we move the positions to Bangladesh."

Haglund said his most shocking discovery was that Congress was paying pension benefits and medical insurance costs to former Congressmen. "We are talking about people that bring zero value add to the organization. The US government owes Congress nothing more than one pay check every two weeks that they are physically in the office doing work. Let them buy health insurance at market rates- there are people lining up to fill the position if the current Congressmen don't want the job."

House Minority Leader John Boehner (R-OH) condemned the report saying "He [Hagland] obviously doesn't understand that this country would fall apart if it didn't have us," adding, "besides we're not just some engineering, tax preparation, legal advice, or radiologist position we simply can't be outsourced- our Union rules won't allow it.

Congressman John Boehner responds to claims that he will ignore Haugland's reports by saying "No. The guys right, about the janitors, our office staff, and the groundskeepers; there is no reason we need to pay them as full time employees. Any monkey with half a brain could do their jobs. We are drawing up a $500M annual contract with Lockheed Martin to outsource their functions. It's going to save us money in the long run."

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4 Posts

Last post by Guest
Mon Feb 28, 2011 10:55 pm
Point/Counterpoint: Acceptance in Anti-Bullying Education
Bullying in schools and how to stop it has become an important topic. As a website with its finger on the pulse of America, we at RumorMiller felt we should address this hot button issue as well. During the writers meetings we discovered that all of us fully support anti-bullying policies. One of us does not support anti-bullying education that includes acceptance of LGBT students. I asked him to write out why. We tried to get that bitch what wrote "Queenbees and Wannabes", Rosalind Wiseman to write a counter point but she's booked so we defered to the next best expert on bullying- our own internet toughguy- internet_toughguy.

Point: Teaching The Gay Agenda is Against God's Will
Counter Point: I will Punch Bullies in the Face

blogger_patriot
: Teaching The Gay Agenda is Against God's Will

My friends, we cannot LET teh gheys spread their incedious hate through our schools. Teaching kids that "it's ok to be gay" is just another part of the GAY ACORN AGENDA to change our CHRISTIAN nation into Obama's Muslim Liberul ATHEIST Sharia. God Al Mighty is infintly loving and forgives everyone (who is saved) EXCEPT TEH GAYS. Like my Precher says- it says right in the BIBLE in plain English that it's a SIN to be gay. What WE need to be teaching these kids in schools that MY TAX DOLLARS pay for is not EVLOUTION, NOT the GAY AGENDA, not sexting, not Grand Theft Auto, but the BIBLE. So unless you support the gay agenda to turn us all gay- cast your ballot this November for Sarah Palin (Blessings and Peace Be Upon Her) and cast this OSMA BIN HUSSIEN out on his MUSTARD lving elitest Koran and keep America the land of the FREE and the home of the STRAIGHT Christrian Southern Baptist MAN!

internet_toughguy
: I will Punch Bullies in the Face

If you are a bully and you are reading this- I have your IP address and I'm headed to your house to kick your ass. You think it's funny to bully people? We'll see who's laughing when I slap that smile off your ugly face. You think it's cool to make fun of queers because you're Christian? Well guess what? My brother's a fairy and he's coming with me to deliver unto you an EPIC ass kicking. You want to shove your Bible down our throats in public schools? Well I'm going to shove your Bible up your ass in a public bathroom. Your pain will be legendary! You tea baggers want to keep my brother from coming out while being a Marine? I'm going to teabag you and post it all over the internet. You want to keep my bro from marrying his awesome boyfriend (who can bench almost as much as me)? I will cut your middle finger off with a swift stroke of my sai and use it to bookmark the page in your Bible that says "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you". You hear that bullies? I'm coming for you! I've got 5 black belts, 21inch biceps, a kick ass Benz (Z3), an awesome Doberman/Shepherd mix, a screaming hot girlfriend, and a gay brother in the Marine Corps- all of them just waiting to tear your bullying ass up.

2 Topics

4 Posts

Last post by Internet_ToughGuy's Gay Brother
Fri Oct 08, 2010 9:02 pm
Rumormiller in Talks to Acquire Weekly World News
Website rumormiller.com announced during their annual stock holder meeting in Reno, NV that they are in talks to acquire print Weekly World News. RumorMiller owner and head writer Dan Schmidt said with the doubling of last year's profits and the continually growing population of consumers of fake news that the move "only makes sense." "It's time that bored people had a voice that spoke for them, in a half hearted way- preferably in three paragraphs or less with a picture at the bottom and a trolly headline. The smart people have CNN and the New York Times, the stupids have Fox News and TMZ, and now the bored will have RumorMiler and the WeeklyWorld News. Our core audience doesn't want to hear about which politician is trending up in a gallop poll- they want ot hear about how that one episode of GI Joe where they make a weather machine is based on a real event.

Talks are expected to end within the next month and the purchase will be finalized in a Kinkos on Wall St in New York City with Citi Bank acting as a broker.

RumorMiller editor Dan Schmidt explains "see we would have made story about how the Chimp was failing college because he had a crippling addiction to World of Warcraft."

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5 Posts

Last post by zinongg19
Sat May 19, 2012 7:15 am
Obama's Powers Now Include 2100 Strong Reddit.com Botnet
President Obama signed into law last night a host of new emergency Presidential powers for the war on terror. Among the most unusual was a Botnet of 2100 reddit accounts. White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs explained the need for the Botnet: "The President needs to be able to downvote any reddit.com article that is deemed detrimental to national security." The move came on the same day the President confirmed he would be doing a so called "AskMeAnything" interview with reddit users in the coming months. Gibbs indicated that "the President is excited about his AMA and is preparing answers to the standard AMA questions- spoiler alert- he does like fried chicken."

The President has pledged to only use the Botnet for national security threats but many critics argue that 2100 reddit votes is too much power for any one man. John Bohener (R-OH) said on Fox News' The Propaganda Show: "Can we really afford this right now? Besides Obama can't be trusted- let me remind everyone we're talking about a Democrat. I bet he'll use it to upvote some asshole saying something obvious like "Oh I really hate it when people park in two spots." The WhiteHouse responded by sending a news release pointing out that most people support the President and also pointing out the redditors support the President and linking to the the top article on reddit titled "John Bohner is a real boner and we all hate him- amirite?"

The President has refused to comment on speculation that he will be requesting the same number of accounts on Fark.com. Vice Preident Joe Biden did however, hint at the possibility saying "There are so many assholes on there who need to be educated on the definition of sharp knees."

President Obama points out the primary target of his Botnet's downvoting

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Last post by huangcyer
Thu May 17, 2012 10:43 am
Racy Pic of Christine O'Donnell as a Storm Trooper Discovered
In a shocking series of photos Delaware Republican Senatorial Candidate Christine O'Donnell is seen dressing up as a Storm Trooper. The scandalous pictures of the normally pious and modest O'Donnell is seeing baring her midriff and teasing the camera with form fitting standard issue female Storm Trooper body armor. The pictures are expected to harden O'Donnell's opposition, but excite her base which is welcome news for a campaign that increasingly appears flaccid.

O'Donnell refused to comment on the pictures citing her current blackout of the liberal media. FoxNews Anchor Gretchen Carlson defended O'Donnell's actions by saying that Christine was a big fan of Star Wars that simply wanted "both sides" of the story told. Carlson elaborated on Foxs' Fox and Friends this morning saying: "Lets not forget that Luke wanted to be a Storm Trooper until he was convinced by an old, bearded, non-Christian, cave dweller living among the sand people, to commit terrorist attacks against the legitimate government. Also remember that it was the Empire that brought an end to the big government waste of the Federation. The Rebel Alliance was terrorist menace that wanted nothing more than to blow up towers in the Federation's capital city at Coruscant. But what would you expect from group whose leader is named Akbar; I don't know about you but that sounds pretty Muslimy to me."

The revelation of the pictures doesn't seem to be effecting Delaware residents views of the candidate. Jarvis Porter a Newark, DE computer programmer, upon seeing the picture, ejaculated "I would definitely hit it, and I'll be in my bunk" clearly affirming his decision to yank the lever in O'Donnell's direction.

Following the publication of O'Donnell dressed as a Storm Trooper pictures, many believe O'Donnell must seek the help of Sarah Palin, widely considered O'Donnell's only hope.

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Last post by karl_rove
Fri Oct 15, 2010 1:59 am
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